Two requests and a statement

The First Request

Hello my dear blogreaders....I have a small request of you. Please read the following, visit the website mentioned, and at least look at the pictures. Doing more than that is your own decision - I can't ask you to do anything more....but I really hope you at least spread the message, if not go a few steps further. Thanks. Oh, and look for my photos - there's two of them....let me know if you find them!


Where’s the Cure?
Submit your photo. Add your voice. Demand the research to find the cure. “Where’s the Cure?” is an online photo contest sponsored by amfAR (The American Foundation on AIDS Research). It’s designed to send a real, tangible message to the world, and directly to the President. Browse the galleries, and submit your photo for a chance to be included in the “Where’s the Cure?” print-on-demand book.
Find out more at: http://wheresthecure.amfar.org

The Second Request

I am an avid reader, and wish for all children to learn the wonders and fun of reading. To help this along, I present this url. My company is sponsoring a page here - please read the page and go with your heart. Thanks!

The Statement

I still really like my job - today we did a turkey run! What this means is, 4 of us went to the grocery store and bought 11 frozen turkeys (filming the whole picking-out-the turkeys, loading them into the cart, then loading them into the car) then we went to the DC Central Kitchen and delivered the turkeys (filmed that too!). It felt really good.

Then tonight we had the company meeting - at a bar with spouses/significant others, and these people were super cool to hang out with.

I am beginning to know what it's like to work with REAL human beings, for a company that really seems to care for its employees, doing work that I didn't know I'd be this excited about. This is so amazing.

a seldom seen creature

Self confidence. It's a strange and elusive thing at times. Just like a very rare creature, it only shows up once in a while, peeking its little nose above the bushes to investigate the surroundings, sussing out the environment, getting comfortable with its territory.

Then, once it's all settled in, it still doesn't show itself all the time. Once in a while something will startle it - making it dart back into its burrow to quiver and wonder about the cosmos. But most often it's out there - all proud and strong. That's when it accomplishes a LOT - making new friends, impressing its bosses, coworkers, and self.

Yet...Other times it seems like it went away on vacation.

Didn't you know? Self confidence is completely schizophrenic.

The new job

So - my new office has many perks!! Not only a ping pong table, but a dart board, a very well stocked kitchen (free soda - even my diet Mt. Dew - plates, silverware, glasses, toaster, microwave, snacks, juices, and a dishwasher!), and a Wii!!!

There's also a great view both to the North West and the South West - I can see the Washington Monument from my desk! (we're on the 12th floor) The people seem very nice and welcoming, and the work (yes, they put me right to work today!!) is both interesting and challenging.

I think I'm going to like this place.

WOO HOO!!!

I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!

I START ON THE 17TH!!!!!!!

LIFE IS LOOKING UP!!!!!!!

A trip to the country

Fall is in the air - and the mountains - and in my blood. So off I went to the mountains to say hello and commune for a bit.



The weather was perfect, the crowds weren't too large. I drove Skyline Drive for about 10-12 miles, all the way up to just over 3600 feet.



I sat on a rock, watched the almost-full moon rise, and grounded. It was a good trip. But I still had to come back....I missed my hubby and dog.

On the same wavelength...

I've often seen couples who seem happily married, yet have a variety of opposing views. And, while I figure "to each their own" it makes me wonder just HOW happy and together they really are.

As for me and Mr. Intangiblearts (my wonderful hubby) - I think we see eye-to-eye on probably 90% of things. And the other 10% almost never gets in the way. (I say "almost never" not because we argue about it, but to acknowledge that it's even there....gotta be honest, ya know?)

One thing we're both on the same page about these days is politics. We (this country) are in dire straits right now, and I don't know if enough people realize it. Yes, America is a good place to be - if you're lucky enough to be making enough money to be relatively debt-free, if you're employed in a job that isn't facing potential melt-down, if your ENTIRE extended family is also in the same position...which means MOST of the "middle class" are NOT the lucky ones right now. Our political relations with the rest of the world are suffering - we're either looked upon as war-mongering bullies, or ignorant bullies, or potentially catastrophic idiots, all due to the past number of presidencies which have NOT built up good relations but have continued to reinforce the "we are always right" attitude which has brought us into many wars and conflicts and kept us there far past our effectiveness.

I fear this nation is past its Golden Age, but we're unwilling to move into the next stage with dignity, intelligence, and a forward thinking plan. We seem to be clinging to the glory days of yesteryear with our fingernails, determined to maintain our standing even though it's painfully obvious that it has drastically changed.

Take for instance the presidential race....my hubby says it well here. All I can add is that I really hope, pray, cross-my-fingers that somehow America can pull out of this severe downward spiral before too many more people get hurt/loose their job-house-family. But hope is a very fragile thing.

ARGH!!

The gods-be-damned dining room ceiling fell down!!! Now we have to have the whole thing replaced, and the walls painted as well (the plaster damaged the walls as it fell).

ARGH!!!!

We're not going to be able to fix the back yard. We can't afford to have the house painted (exterior). We can't get the lower bathroom done (so we'll have to shut the water off again this winter). We can't get the front hall wall fixed. We can't repair the cement steps next to the garage. We can't do anything with the front yard (no $$ and no energy at the moment). The back door is beginning to not work well. The ceiling in the upstairs bathroom isn't looking all that good....and we have mice. Oh, and the basement is a storage disaster.

ARGH!!!!

expression and a point of view

I admit that I am not a voting member of this nation and to me that means I don’t have the right to argue which side is better – since I’m not going to back that up with a vote.

But I do have views, opinions, beliefs. One of them is about abortion. I am totally “pro-life” - - in that I think it is each individual’s decision and right about how their own life should be lived. No one should dictate what I can do with MY body. That means, of course, that people need to be intelligent and responsible, and not use abortion as a form of birth control.

Being the non-voting person I am means I don’t really follow the candidates and hear what’s being said about them. I had heard a bit about Palin, her Down’s baby, and her pregnant, teenaged daughter…and I wasn’t that impressed. But today I found this article in a British web Newspaper…and it says exactly what I feel. The only thing left out – in my humble opinion – is the phrase “Just because you can breed, doesn’t mean you should.”

There are sooooo many humans on this planet already – hey people, we really don’t have to worry about survival of the species anymore!! At least not in terms of a lack of births….now we have to figure out how to feed, clothe, and educate the species (everyone!) – to make sure this survival isn’t drudgery, hopelessness, pain, and suffering. We need to focus on each other, to help us become the best people we can be – which, surprisingly, may NOT be what society says you should be. Yes, everyone is an individual – but we share this mighty planet, look to her for sustenance, therefore we must act in concert…but not as automatons, or followers, or slaves.

This is, and will be forever, an ongoing battle – because someone will always think they have the “right” way to do things (meaning that your way is wrong!). Am I saying that I’m right? No, not for everyone….many people need guidance, direction, assistance, to live a life that seems worthwhile. But no one should ever be forced/coerced/tricked into doing something that they don’t truly want to do. That only begets misery, lack of enthusiasm, and resentment.

All this – to say that abortion isn’t evil, isn’t wrong. It should just be used as any other tool – with intelligence.

Travels

Just back from a week in the UK. Most of the time was spent in London, with 2 nights up in Newcastle. There will be pictures soon - please be patient. We visited friends, family, and fabulous places. Saw many beautiful sights, ate in many fun places, and got rained on quite a bit.

Being back in the states is both good and bad. Rather than be dark and dismal...I'll just leave it at that.

Cheers.
(oh, and that's not one of my pictures....borrowed from the web...but similar to one of mine--as a view from the London Eye.)

wishing, winning, and losing

So many words bubble inside – hope, despair, anger, frustration, self-pity, determination. Thoughts ricochet around, bouncing off walls of black and white. Images parade by my inner eyes; of me, of where I want to be, of what I want to do, of what I want to BE. My dreams build up, big and filled with hope, just to be ignored by fate or whatever is moving me forward. Sometimes I see myself changing direction – off in a new pursuit of something worth-while or fulfilling. I could be so good at… or I’d love to do… or I think that I could really kick butt at…. Other times I see myself stuck at the crossroads, never taking that next step down one of the many roads in front of me. And still other times, I see me sitting still, stuck by inertia, unable to extricate myself and knowing that no one else can pull me out either.

So many thoughts wish to come to the surface, to be voiced. But I restrain them, smother them, try and see that they really aren’t as true as they think they are.

One of my mottos is “you can’t win if you don’t play”…but I think someone either changed the rules or shut the game down without letting me know. There’s no winning for me.

Bad times happening for good people

It just ain't fair!!! Please send thoughts of healing, safety, and sanity to my friend Anithe and her family.

Thanks!!

the complexities of a compliment and learned suspicion

So. I went out for lunch today, to get away from the JOB and the drudgery therein….I was walking down the sidewalk, having just crossed the street and avoiding a stupid car that didn’t really stop for the stop sign, when a pretty, young black woman stopped me.

“Excuse me” she said.

“Yes?” I responded – half expecting to be asked for spare change.

“I just wanted to tell you that I really love your hair cut” she said, then turned away.

“Thank you!” I replied, rather surprised. “Thank you very much, I appreciate that.”

“You’re welcome” she answered as she walked on.

Now…at first I was very pleasantly surprised and pleased. But then the suspicion crept in. Did she really think that, or was she responding more to my (probably) grumpy looking face? I know I know, it really doesn’t matter, does it? She gave me a compliment, made me smile, what’s “wrong” with that? And there really isn’t anything wrong, it’s just sad that I automatically questioned her motives. While my inner girl is always looking for and hoping for compliments, courtesies, acknowledgement, has my public side become so very angry and cynical?!? I had thought that the “beatings” of the world I had received growing up hadn’t left too deep a mark on me – that I was still rather innocent, open, non-judgmental, interested in learning and seeing…but maybe the damage is deeper that I thought.

Or maybe my inner girl is just growing up.

Blankety blank blank

It’s hard to write when the words aren’t forming in one’s head. I apologize to the 2-3 people who might be wondering why I’ve not updated recently. Just

kind

of

blank

at the moment. Not that things haven’t been happening…an interview, a yard sale in 98 degree heat, seeing S. from England again, getting a 48-hour-notice that my brother and family are coming to stay with me overnight….but the words aren’t flowing. Even at work I’m not focusing very well at all. ‘Course, that is helped by the fact that what I’m doing right now is the absolute definition of “filling-time” work. I tell you, I really really look forward to getting back in a job where I’m accomplishing things, meeting deadlines, working hard and knowing I’ll do the same tomorrow.

Either that or I’ll just win the lottery. Then I can fill my days in MUCH more productive ways than I am now – take flying lessons, take horseback riding lessons, take a course or two at a local university, bead my head off…..SLEEP.

But for now, I just feel kinda blank. I know when I’m this tired that I tend to be darkened easily….and I’m fighting it. But it’s hard. And now my body is beginning to disappoint me.

What’s that, you say? Well, I’m probably going to have to go on diabetes meds, because I’m beginning to see that while diet and exercise are really helping, my body is just plain insulin resistant. And my cholesterol isn’t going down as fast as it should. And now my stupid body is really producing (what we hope are) calcifications in my breasts, so I have to go BACK in and get yet another mammogram (this will make 4 in 9 months, not to mention the 2 MRIs)….hopefully I can avoid the stupid biopsy.

And I’m so tired.

The days come and go....

As do birthdays. Another one has past, and it went very quietly. Got a pedicure, then went to the book store. Treated myself to lunch at Panera, then went to the bead store. Hubby and I went out to dinner that night. That's all.

Now it's the day after, and the damn roller coaster has taken a dive with me. The "life isn't panning out the way I hoped" feeling is surging along, taking me down the rapids without a raft. We had our incoming lead water pipes replaced with copper today - what a fiasco. Flooded basement anyone? Thankfully we had taken Gomez to daycare, otherwise he'd have been so very stressed. But now we'll be faced with the repair bill - a complete unknown - and with our need to re-do the back yard, as well as our London trip (and even though we're staying with a super wonderful person the trip is NOT going to be cheap) I worry about the money. With these expenses facing us, it just makes me think of all the things we need to do to the house and won't be able to afford.

Hubby and I have talked about NOT buying another house after we move out of this one - it'd be easier to let the landlord take care of the repairs, ya know?

I think I just need to get away for a while - but again, it can't happen because of $$$$....so I guess I'll just keep on keepin' on. I'll figure it out...I always have.

But I think I'll start planning a major bash for myself on my 50th birthday in a few years. I feel birthdays should be celebrated - after all, the only reason you DON'T have a birthday is because you've died...and I'm not dead yet.

disturbing thoughts

I had a disturbing conversation (via email) with one of my brothers recently…more of a statement of beliefs than any kind of a discussion. … and it’s got me thinking about humanity. Brother stated that global warming isn’t real, that humans are not damaging this planet, we’re simply going through a normal change – he even said “Isn’t your religion Nature-based? This is just Momma Nature breathing, and of course she’ll breathe out ‘bad’ air (carbon dioxide) just as she always has.” After I got over my outrage that he tried to throw my religion back at me when he doesn’t even really understand it (because he’s never asked)….I countered, saying “So we should just ignore this and keep killing off species, depleting the Ozone, making babies and crowding the planet??” He replied “There are so many more species we haven’t even discovered; the Ozone has depleted and regained and depleted many times before in history; of course we want to make babies – unless you want a zero pop. growth!; you mean we’ve filled up all the empty space on this planet? When did that happen?”

This last statement reminded me of an acquaintance I knew out in Tucson – he also stated that we’re not overcrowded on this earth, because we haven’t filled in all the open spaces. “Look at Montana, not to mention all of Russia” he’d said.

I asked brother if we’re not overpopulated, how come we have so many people dying from starvation, drought, and disease? His reply “selfishness” didn’t seem to really answer it. How can selfishness be the whole answer, when we’re not able to grow enough food RIGHT NOW? With more people covering more of the planet – creating less land to grow food and find resources - the problem will just keep growing.

Adding to this unease, I’ve just finished reading Sherrie Tepper’s “The Family Tree” which goes into Nature, evolution, and humanity all in conflict. At one point Nature steps forward and starts “pruning” humanity – babies and children of multiple children households (more than 3-4) just disappear, and the trees trim the houses too – leaving only 3 bedrooms (one for girls, one for boys, and one for mom and dad).

I’m saddened by the thought that we (the human race) are going to just keep on keepin’ on – always saying that we’re ok for now, that we can work on the problems tomorrow, or that someone else is taking care of “it.” There’s another book I read a long time ago, which I picked up today but just couldn’t stomach – Robert Silverberg’s “The World Inside.” It’s a futuristic story (year 2381) and there are 75 billion people on the planet – all living in 1000-story Urbmons: multicity buildings which perpetuate unrestricted population growth…in fact, if you do not procreate it’s not only shameful, it can be punished.

All this makes me think. And the thoughts aren’t happy ones because it is painfully obvious that, while the human race does (eventually) learn some things, it’s often either too late, or such damage is done that the solution isn’t as positive as it could/should have been.

There are a few other things in my brother’s statement that bother me….It may be true that the earth didn’t have an ozone layer at times in its past (I can only remember reading about the original formation of it…) but without the ozone, there was NO LIFE ON LAND….“we” had to live in the water or be killed by solar radiation….And yes, there are many species on this planet we haven’t discovered yet, but does that give us the right to kill off those that we HAVE discovered?..... And one big question comes to mind, one I didn’t think to ask brother – how can we keep doing what we’re doing and still have any quality of life? If there are more and more people, there will be less and less resources – no fresh water, only that which we recycle; no fresh air, just more Code Orange days with the govt’ warning us to stay inside and wear a ton of sunscreen when we DO go out; higher and higher food and fuel prices for less and less supply. Yes, our lives today are much ‘better’ than they were 200 or more years ago: we have more vaccines, we have safer vehicles and homes, we have a wider variety of foods available…we basically live rather luxurious lives by comparison. But if we keep fouling our nest, soon we won’t have anything to keep it clean – then disease, famine, and wars will become more commonplace – and there goes our quality of life.

With the seeming increase recently of “natural disasters” I feel that Momma Nature is not happy. She’s trying to either tell us something, or, given our past reluctance to listen, she’s going to take things into her own hands:

2008 Sichuan earthquake – 69,000+ dead
2005 Kashmir earthquake – 70,000+ dead
2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami – 283,000+ dead
2003 European heat wave – 37,000+ dead
2003 Bam earthquake – 30,000+ dead
1999 Vargas mudslide – 20,000+ dead
Bird flu – 256 dead
SARS – 775 dead

AIDS – 25,250,000+ dead

Not to mention all those who have died in the various wars/police actions/conflicts/genocide (way over 11,000,000 just since 1950). Hmmm. . . .maybe we don’t have to worry about overpopulation if this trend continues. . . .But a whole lot of people are going to suffer needlessly.

The future in dreams

Dreams. I believe it's a good thing to have dreams, to follow your dreams, to dream big. If you believe in your dream, see yourself IN that dream, I believe it will come true. I also believe you should follow-through on those dreams you do pursue...don't get distracted and head off in another direction all the time. Yeah, everyone gets distracted at one time or another...but you'll only reach your dream if you really try - if you throw yourself into the belief that it can come true.

I have a current dream....It has to do with the next job I want. I know the place I want to work, in the general department I want to be. I've applied to this company a few times over the past 3 years. I've actually had one in-person and one phone interview...but it hasn't progressed more than that. But I want to work there. I know it's not going to be all peaches and cream there - after all, it is a large association. But I feel it deep inside that this is the place I should be.

Another job there (in my field) just opened up - I sent my resume a few days ago. Now I'm waiting. The waiting is hard. But this time I think I have a better shot. This time I'm approaching things with a positive, sure attitude.

I WILL get into that company. Just you watch me.

update:

Bummer - the job has disappeared from the listing, meaning it's been filled. The very quickness of its filling suggests that an internal candidate stepped up. sigh. But I'm still gonna haunt their job board....I will get in there.

Loop de loop

Sometimes it gets very frustrating being me. I know, I really don't have a choice in the matter...can't very well be someone else, right? But it gets very tiring knowing what one needs to do, and knowing one can do it, yet not being "able" to actually go through and do it. Forward momentum is an incredibly iffy thing to me these days.

Some days I'm fine - strong, semi-confidant, focused. But many days I'm not so fine. And it frustrates me that I "take for granted" where I am in life. I mean, I've got a nice house (yes, it needs things, but it's basically not bad); I've got a husband who thinks I'm beautiful, amazing, intelligent, and sexy; I have a job that pays the bills; I've got my health (basically); and I have a friend or two that seem to like me; and I've got a really good dog. So, what's my problem?

1) the house - it's really more than we should have gotten. It's expensive, it needs fixing up as well as keeping up, and we just don't have the money.

2) I don't see myself even close to the good light in which my hubby does...I feel definitely unlovely, not sexy, rather boring, and quite needy.

3) Yeah, the job. I'd like a job I am appreciated for (even slightly), where I feel like I'm accomplishing things, and that is in a better atmosphere. Would that be too much to ask for? Evidently.

4) I'm loosing the battle against my diabetes. I really think I'm going to have to go on meds soon. My weight is not going away - mainly because I can't get myself back on my diet, let alone get working out again. Granted, our new gym opens tomorrow....but we'll see.

5) But I have so MANY more "friends" that I thought cared who have completely dropped off my radar....and one of my best friends is moving out of state in less than 2 months.

6) The dog is great - but he does restrict our travels quite a bit.

So. How 'bout that. I'm just a big whiner. Oh well. Like I said, being me isn't so fun most of these days. And I hate that I can't be more upbeat and happy like I used to be, because I know it stresses out my hubby. He doesn't like it when I'm down, because he doesn't know what to do to bring me up. Not that it's his job, but he cares and wants to help. So he gets down, which brings me down because I'm bringing him down.

I know, I no longer am going forward....I'm just stuck on a loop. A vertical one, which has an upside as well as a downside. Guess where I am today?

Welcome to the neighborhood!

Ok, so Mayorga Lounge in Columbia Heights has been here a while. But as of tonight (27th of May) the lounge portion has upgraded into a really tasty venue. Before, the lounge was internet over-friendly and offered Panini sandwiches for lunches and some light appetizers/entrees in the evening. While not bad, it was more like typical coffee house fare, and not that inspiring.

Located in the old Tivoli Theater building, which they've restored quite nicely, it drew in laptop users like flies. Which actually didn't do wonders for their food sales in the evening, so to try and change the appeal they're trying a couple of new ventures. First, they shut the internet off at dinner time - while we were there tonight I saw a couple of people told that they could set up their laptops, but the internet was "off". Adding to the lack of internet is the change in mood - the lighting is much dimmer, the seating is much less coffee-house and more lounge (with low tables and comfy chairs) and the music is more mellow while still being loud enough to both enjoy it and talk to your companion. And the food...

"Before, our food sales during the week have been slow and we've had to get by on our increased weekend traffic, but a food/alcohol license requires a more even balance between alcohol and food sales. We're hoping with the new menu we'll draw in more diners" our server told us.

And I'm tellin' ya - YUM! The new menu is Japanese/Korean, cooked by a genuine Korean woman. ("I can't even talk to her!" our server confessed.) My hubby and I first shared an appetizer called Modeum Twigim (vegetables in tempura with dipping sauce) which came with 4 small sides: Kimchi, shaved radish, some sort of marinated fish, and watercress. Then, after filling up on that a bit, our entree showed up - Chop Chae Donburi, which is vegetables and wheat noodles over rice. The food was plentiful, delicious, and not too expensive. AND, as rife with food choices in the 14th street/Park Road area now, I believe this is the only Japanese/Korean offering - so hopefully this will really appeal to many.



So - next time you're in the area, stop in and have a tasty bite, relax in the dim lighting, and enjoy the ambiance and music. In fact, I'd even advise going OUT of your way to try this new menu! You won't regret it!

listen to the world

I've started back to work this week. Back to the bus/metro commute. It still surprises me how rude people are, how no-one pays attention to the world around them. Take for instance some (not all, but many) bicyclists who blow through stop signs and red lights because they think it doesn't apply to them, so that they almost hit pedestrians. Also, other pedestrians - not waiting patiently for lights, just crossing the street wherever and whenever they want, assuming that they have the law on their side so no one's going to hit them. As a driver, it really really frustrates me. Yes, I WILL stop for you if you are in the cross walk and you don't just jump out in front of me. But if you're jaywalking and just assuming I'll stop - grrrrrr. Then as a pedestrian myself, I try and work WITH traffic at corners. I watch and try and let everyone have a chance - IF they're paying attention. But DON'T honk at me if you think I'm not moving fast enough - unless you're in pain or on the way to an emergency, NOTHING in life is worth getting all worked up over, pissed and rushed about.

And then there are those who walk (and sometimes bike!!) with headphones on. I personally find this really really puzzling. Firstly, how can you watch/listen for traffic (vehicle, bike, or pedestrian) if you're locked into your own world? Doesn't this not only risk your life, but put you in the way of other's lives? What if you walk out in front of someone, they swerve to miss you and end up hurting themselves or someone else, just because you weren't paying attention? And then there's just the thought of missing the world around you - how can you hear the birds? The voices and laughter? The bark of a dog? There are so many sounds in the world - why close yourself off from all of that?

I sometimes mention how loud music actually hurts my ears, and people say "why not use earplugs?" but the problem there is - it's too complete. I end up feeling rather paranoid and cut off from the world...it's way too unnatural to me. I'm part of the world, and while it's sometimes really hard to deal with, I really don't want to cut myself off from it.

Update: Ok, two more pet peeves...

1) Unless there is absolutely NO traffic, if you have the red light and the sign says don't walk THEN DON'T WALK!! Do NOT expect me to stop when I have the green to let you cross. WAIT YOUR TURN. I don't even care if you are in a wheelchair!! Obey the lights/signs.

2) When you are riding a motorcycle, you are a vehicle IN TRAFFIC. Do not cut past me on the curb side in the bike lane....especially when I'm in the process of TURNING RIGHT!!

argh.

My awesome dad

So. My trip home to surprise dad went incredibly well. Mom picked me up at the airport, drove home and walked into the house saying "look who's here!" Dad looks up at me and then stands there stunned and speechless....heheh.

I spent Friday hanging out with him, talking about his accident and his current recovery. He seems to be dealing with it quite well - he said at one point that after his triple A surgery (abdominal aortal anurism) and his double bypass surgery, he's finally figured out that he's not going to bounce right back...that healing takes time. SEE! You're never too old to learn!!

That evening I did dinner out with mom and dad. Saturday I took my niece B. out for lunch to celebrate her 18th birthday, then went back to my parent's house. That evening my Mom had her piano student recital. She teaches piano to about 15 people - ranging from 1st grade to 12th grade - and ends her teaching year with a formal recital at a hall. It was cute. What I found really sweet was the way all the parents stopped by afterwards and said hello and good-to-see you to my Dad. That was quite touching.

Sunday being Mom's day, Mom and I went to my first High Tea. I didn't realize it takes a LONG time to do a high tea...ours went on for just over 2 hours. It was quite fun, with live music supplied by a harpist and very yummy food. At the end, all the women got beautiful pink roses. When we got home, my brother J. was there, hanging out to say hello....and shortly his two sons showed up too (19 and 21 years old). We sat around and talked a while, but at 6:00pm J. had to leave (he works midnights). The two boys wanted to hang out longer and talk to their Aunt though! After they left, mom and dad and I played Scrabble - where dad whomped both of us!! sigh...

Monday was the flight home, and it was nice to come home to a happy puppy and a loving hubby. I'll post pictures later....promise!

poor mama earth...

This is a short post - I promise to write more later about my trip up to Michigan and such...but I had to post this link: 350.org. It's a really good article about global warming and what we need to do to "preserve a planet similar to that on which civilization developed and to which life on earth is adapted"....read it.

Two for one

This is a two-for-one post...meaning it's gonna cover two different subjects, though they're slightly connected.

Firstly...passion and dreams. I got to spend time talking to a marvelous new friend this past weekend while at a blogger maypole meet up. He's a Signer (no, not singer, he teaches Sign Language) up in NY. I mentioned to him my old dream of becoming an interpreter, and this got me thinking....There are a few things I would really, truly love to do, if I had the money. This isn't to say that each of these would cost money, just that if I had enough $$ to not have to work, I'd have the time to do all that I really want to do (yes, I know that's rather obvious, so shoot me).

What sort of things am I blathering about? Well, in no order of preference I would really, absolutely love to: become a Sign Language interpreter; get my pilot's license so I could fly corporate jets or charter planes; flit off anytime to be an extra in a movie set; open a used bookstore; buy a motorcycle. These are the TOP dreams of the moment. They've been with me for a long time...they've become old friends in my subconscious...and while I've made small, pathetic attempts to fulfill some of them, I doubt they'll ever really come to fruition, unless I win the lottery. So I just keep dreaming them, and wishing.....and playing the lottery.

I have a few sayings that I hold to my heart, and one of them is: one just never knows.....

Ok. Second part. Maypole pictures!! Here are just a couple that I found most joyful. Enjoy!!

mutterings

I've been wracking my brain for a blog subject. I know, I know...one shouldn't focre a blog entry. It's just that I haven't written anything in a while, so I'm beginning to feel a touch guilty to those very few who actually read this....

I thought about writing a blog on passion...but couldn't coordinate my thoughts.

I thought about writing a blog on moonlight, and the Goddess....but since I've been feeling rather non-committal re. my feelings on my religion, I couldn't pin down anything solid.

I even thought about writing about things that have been happening...but nothing has really happened....

...don't get me wrong, I HAVE been doing things:

*My leg is 90% better, and I'm walking mostly without a crutch, though some days the crutch is a good thing to have. Physical therapy is a wonderful thing.

*I went to a fantastic May Day Maypole party and met some really awesome people...all bloggers themselves.

*I had a good interview, but never got a final offer. I start back to work in the office tomorrow....bleh. I'll only be going in part-time for the next 3 weeks, then the week of Memorial Day will be my first "full-time" stint.

So my life hasn't been totally bland. Oh, and I'm going up to Michigan to visit my folks this coming weekend - but my Dad doesn't know I'm coming...I wanted to surprise him.

Anyhoo....here's a picture of mine that makes me happy. Cheers!

I couldn't have said it better!!

Go to Atomic Nerds and read a very clearly written missive - that I totally agree with.

Woo hoo!!

doubt

I found this during a Google search:

A doubting mind
Is forced to live
In the prison of loneliness.

My mind is forever doubting these days...I doubt my appearance. I doubt my loveability. I doubt my faith. I doubt my magic. I doubt my abilities. I doubt my skills. I doubt my decisions. I doubt my strength. I doubt my future. I doubt my dreams. I doubt people around me. I doubt myself. I doubt.

Many people say it is good to doubt, to question. And I agree, to a point. It is good to question....but to doubt, for me, means to disbelieve.

The walls of this prison are damn thick. And I don't doubt them.


I don't write this to obtain pity.
I write this truth so I can see what is going on in my head.
I write to try and release the feelings, to try and heal from them.
It hasn't worked so far, but for some stupid reason, I don't quite doubt hope...though it's damn close.

my walls

These are my walls - the ugly green and yellow walls I've been staring at for the past 12 weeks. The bland, dirty, cracked ceiling topping them.

I do have two windows in my room, but they're behind me, so I end up staring into the room, and at these walls. I watch the light move across them as the day progresses.

I plan on painting these walls sometime soon. I thought a pleasant denim blue with white trim would be nice.

Walls are a fact of life. It's how you decorate them that makes them tolerable.

Mine are thick, solid, and not very smooth.

A word about accessibility

I have to admit, experiencing the past 10+ weeks as a "disabled" person has really opened my eyes. Getting around on crutches isn't easy, even when places are (supposedly) ADA (Title III) compliant. Especially in restaurants. My question is, does someone actually come out to the new building and CHECK to see if what has been designed really is usable?

For instance, there's a restaurant my hubby and I have gone to a few times - before my broken leg. I haven't really had any trouble there before, though I noted that the doors to the toilet stalls were rather heavy. Then, we went recently, with me on crutches. I remembered they had a handicap stall, so off I went to take care of the necessity....And ye gods!! I had to use some mighty fancy maneuvering, as well as really test my balance on my crutches, just to get INTO the stall! After business was done, I went to attempt to get OUT of the stall. And nearly got pushed off my feet.

Now those of you who know me know I'm not that little. I'm about 5'4" in shoes, and weigh over 130#...In trying to get out of that stall, I had to grab the lever, turn and pull on it with my right hand while bracing my left foot and crutch to grab all of the leverage weight. Then, once I had the door open, I had to let go of it and very quickly maneuver my right crutch up to brace the door open (supporting me AND the weight of the door). Then I had to scoot out of the stall, making sure my right crutch stayed in place so the door wouldn't slam into me....though it still slammed when I was finally out.

So I ask you - does anyone ever CHECK buildings for their ADA Title III compliance, or do they just check the architectural drawings to make sure there's enough clearance for a wheelchair? And what about those places that don't have wheelchair accessibility? Yes, people on crutches are a bit more mobile, but not by a lot. Steps, narrow aisles, heavy doors....yeah, so what if you have a grab-bar in the bathroom, if a person can't even get there it's rather pointless.

meme

I just found this meme at The Gold Puppy - - hehehe....but I'm going to change it just a skoosh.

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences. (I posted 6 sentences)
5. Tag five people.

"Can't we just dig it up now, tonight?"
"No," he said. "I have to play by the rules." He stared at me very hard. "And I don't want to come back out here and find the grave dug up. The evidence won't mean shit if you tamper with it."

From The Laughing Corpse by Laurell K. Hamilton.

I'm also not going to tag anyone. I honestly don't know 5 people who'd actually do this. Feel free to let me know in the comments if you post your own sentences.

Life as it is

So. It's amazing how invasive these computer viruses are. I spent the whole day yesterday working with Symantec as they reamed out my poor little laptop. They found 4-5 viruses, 2 of them very malicious. Today I'm going to spend a couple of hours defragging my system....which hasn't been done since I bought it back in 2005. I think I know how I got the viruses....and will be ever more paranoid from now on.

Gomez is getting better. He had his last dose of meds this morning and seems to be functioning well. We'll switch him back to his regular food over the next day or so and keep an eye on him, but he's putting weight back on, and his energy is definitely back. So that is a relief.

Dad has been moved to a rehabilitation center and is feeling bored but better. Don't know how long he'll be there, but I figure he's in good hands. Oh, and Mom can bring the dog in to see him, so that cheers them both (dad and dog) right up.

As for me. I'm still sitting here. No word from the interviewer of 2+ weeks ago. Granted, they're an Association, so maybe they move a bit more slowly. (See, I'm trying hard not to just give in to "oh, they're not going to call me"....it's not working too well.) My leg doesn't hurt at all these days. I'm up to 15 minutes/5 times a week on the bike...adding 5 min. a week till I hit 40 min. Then I have to increase the tension. It's still rather tiring crutching around for any length of time. My shoulders and left hip get tired, though I admit - they last a lot longer now than they did 4-6 weeks ago.

My spirits aren't all that great, but there's nothing to be done about that right now. I just feel so incredibly limited, in so many ways. I really DON'T like being so mopey and dark - it doesn't make me feel good, and it only depresses my husband even more. But the things I think would make me get out of this state aren't doable with out a bit more mobility. Kind of a catch-22. And I'm still questioning things deep inside me.

Minor update

Ok - pup is still not doing well. He SEEMS ok, though a bit lethargic, but his poops are still liquid after a week of a diet of rice and chicken as well as meds. So off he goes to the vet tomorrow - again. One nice thing, he's not dehydrated.

Dad went through surgery on Wednesday night. He's doing much better, says the pain went down from an 11 (on a 1-10 scale) to about a 3-4. He has a plate that was installed to support a bone broken in multiple spots, and a screw in another bone to add support. He'll be getting around (once he can) via a 3-legged/wheeled thingy that he'll be kneeling on with his left leg - instead of crutches. He actually seems kinda excited about it. The doc may let him out of the hospital sometime this weekend - mainly because his dog really misses him. No word yet on how long the recovery will take. Oh, and the doc was worried because it turns out my dad has really soft bones....gotta increase that calcium intake big-time!

Me - leg's still broke.

oh, ye GODS...!!

Ok, somehow I've pissed off a deity or something. That's the only thing I can figure with the string of luck that's found me.

FIRST - I break my leg (or rather, my dog breaks it for me) and am stuck at home for the past 7 weeks, with potentially 4-5 more to go.

SECOND - The dog gets sick. Hubby is off at the emergency vet (regular vet had it's own emergencies, so...) and I'm waiting to hear. It's probably just a bug or something. Gomez hasn't eaten much over the past few days - even with the enticement of rice and chicken - and has lost weight. Last night he threw up what little he HAD eaten, and wasn't interested in drinking anything this morning, so off to the vet he goes.

THIRD - My wonderful, 78-year-old dad slips on the ice up in Michigan and breaks TWO bones in his left ankle. He's in a lot of pain, and facing surgery. He too, lives in a multi-story home.

Yeesh.

a bit better today

Ok, so I buckled under and bought an exercise bike. It's a nice one - a Nautilus/Schwinn with 8 programs and a rather comfy seat. Tonight will be the inauguration of it...starting at 10 minutes a day, per doc orders.

Now I just gotta get working on getting a new job, get back to playing my flute, start beading again, and try my hand at quilting....

Goals - ya gotta have 'em.

and so it continues

Well. It's been 47 days since the great "dog-vs-knee" event. I'm happy to say that I no longer have to wear the knee immobilizer, but I'm still stuck with the crutches - for another 4 to 6 WEEKS. I'm told NO WALKING for at least that long. While I really don't mind not going back to the office I loath, being stuck as an invalid still really sucks.

And now I have to figure out how to get my hands (and the rest of me) on an exercise bike. Those buggers aren't cheap. And I really wish I didn't have to buy one - but the only one I could find to rent was so costly, it'd be cheaper to buy one!! I was going to put the rented one in the living room, but if I have to buy my own, then it'll probably have to go up in my office/craft room.

AND...once I get my leg up and running via the exercise bike, I was planning on buying a real bike - but those TOO are not cheap. And there are so many things we need to have done to the house....

Sorry. It's gonna be a long(er) road to recovery, and I probably won't be very gracious about it. Oh well.

Trying...

Ambition. It's something many people have, but often in a wide variety of levels or strengths. I have a lot of low-level ambition I think. What I mean is - there are quite a few things I want to do, things I want to be good at, but the effort is off-putting to me. I know - the only way I can get good at something is to try, practice, work at it, keep working at it, polishing it, attempting it, starting out at the beginning/bottom and work up to the top/finale. There is NO SUCH THING as immediate success, no such thing as a quick fix, no such thing as "get rich quick"...

everything

in

life

takes

effort.

It's up to me to make the sufficient amount of effort to become successful at what I am attempting. I am the only one to blame if I cannot get to be the best-I-can-be at whatever I want to be. Yes, it's true, I may not be professional/expert/best in the world at what I want, but I CAN be the absolute best I can be - but only if I try, try, and try again. And practice, attempt, experiment, work hard.

And have ambition.

Staffing "Experts"?????

This is probably a touch overdue, but it just dawned on me today....In my attempt to gain new employment I have approached TWO Staffing agencies. I'm going to use names, because I am so incredibly UN-impressed with them that I don't care if they hear about this, and I want others to know what they might run into if they deal with these companies.

The first one is a one-man deal. It's called Brainstorm Creative Resources. I met with the guy (we'll call him Dan) way back in mid July and it seemed to be a very good meeting. Dan seemed interested and impressed and encouraging. He did warn me that he wouldn't be able to place me right away (since I was - and am - looking only for permanent placement, no temp stuff) but he'd be working hard and let me know how things are going. I followed up the meeting with an email, asking a couple of questions and just saying "thanks, I look forward to working with you." And then I waited. And waited. I sent another email asking a simple question and touching base, but again heard nothing. . . . I actually heard from him only once - he sent me a christmas card...but it wasn't a personal card, just a generic one he sent to all of his clients.

So that was a waste.

Next I tried The Boss Group. I met with "Sam" in late November. I spent 4 hours in the office, taking tests to help them (and me) know my strengths and weaknesses. I also met 2-3 other "agents" while I was there, so they could see me and start trying to help place me. It was very encouraging and I looked forward to hearing about my results. Sam said he'd call me and discuss the results, and the next day I did get a call - from the secretary. Ok, well, at least I heard from them, and the results were a bit surprising (I was better than I thought!). I also sent an email to Sam to say thank you. And then I waited. I did follow through on Sam' suggestion to investigate the various Associations in the area (boy there are a lot of them!!), but instead of sending them a list as they requested I sent them another email asking them a couple of questions...and I've never heard from them again.

So. Even though I went looking for help to try and improve my chances, all I got were empty assurances and then oblivion. It really makes me wonder. Oh, and I realized today - Boss Group has my social security number on file! That actually makes me uncomfortable, so I'm going to call them this coming week and ask them to close my file and shred my personal info.

I thought these places were genius - a second person/group with many more contacts which would raise my chances a lot!! Boy, have I been disappointed.

Friends

I wanted to be in on the Blog Poetry Slam, but the only poem I could think of right away was one I found in a sci-fi book I read many many years ago...

"One and One is always Two
Each alone, here's me, there's you

Mathematics of the heart
Add together what's apart

The sum of being friends is done
To prove that one and one make One."

Go and hug a friend, ok?

Irritants

Things that really get on my nerves:

People who sit in their cars out on the street with their radio WAY up.

Barking dogs.

People who seem to think that someone on crutches should be the one to give way when walking down a sidewalk/hallway.

Honking repeatedly for someone to come out of a house - at 6AM!!!

People who talk on their cell phones in a movie theater - so what if it's only the previews!?

Please, please, please - just SHUT UP, HANG UP, AND PAY ATTENTION WHEN YOU DRIVE. The life you save COULD be your own!

Children in restaurants whose parents haven't taught them that sitting quietly is the proper behavior. Letting your child run around other peoples' tables is NOT acceptable.

Pedestrians who think that they can cross the street any-bloody-where they want too. Crosswalks are there for a REASON.

......and probably many other things...gimme some time to think.

:-/

18 days in the hole....

Not feeling very well today - hope it's nothing more than a touch of indigestion....just would add insult to injury if I went and got the flu or something.

I've been stuck here for 18 days now. Yes, I've made forays into the world with hubby - went shopping last Sunday - but my weekdays are very restricted. I spend most of the day up in the bedroom...working, reading, sometimes sleeping. In the evenings I stump my way downstairs and watch some TV while trying to play with the pup a bit.

This injury has been a real eye-opener, showing me how much I took for granted my former mobility...to be able to just get up out of a chair and run to the kitchen or bathroom without thinking about it and trying to figure out the path or how to do the stairs...these are kinda beyond me now. Hell, I can't even just go get a glass of water because I can't carry it on crutches! argh.

And some days are better than others. Some days I'm all confident and calm - this is going to work out just fine, things aren't that bad: and some days are dark - fuck this, I don't want to work, I don't want to eat my lunch, I'm going to be stuck in the hated/stupid job once I DO heal....

I just want to walk again. And the leg cramps aren't helping.

still captive...

Day eleven, and I'm still here....I knew that I would have darker days and brighter days as these weeks pass, but knowing about it still doesn't make dealing with them any easier.

It snowed today - I'm actually very grateful that I didn't have to deal with what looks like a very messy snow accumulation. But I'm still just sitting here....Granted, I have work to do now, but it's still work from the hated place, so it's not easy to make myself focus on it for the hours I need to....especially when there's much more interesting things to do - like read my novel, play on the interweb, SLEEP....been getting a lot of sleep lately, unlike my poor hubby. He's really gonna need a vacation from all of this soon - just so he can get some sleep. He's looking quite rundown, and it frustrates me that he's having to do so much more on top of a very difficult time at work. 'Course, at least he still HAS work - his company just laid off 10 people...that was a bit nerve wracking....

So. I'm trying hard to realize that I AM healing, that this will not go on forever. Trouble is, I'm the sort of person who likes to get things done almost as soon as I think of them (or at least within a reasonable amount of time) and I KNOW that things will change once I get my feet back under me: more aggressive job hunt, a firm and fun exercise program, cleaning the house, being able to run around town with my hubby....but I want it all NOW, not 3 months from now. Hell, I wouldn't even mind grabbing some fast food from Union Station at this point....(oh, and does anyone know for sure that if one sits in the same spot for hours, day after day, on one's bed - will it damage the mattress?)

sigh. And it's only been eleven days.

Yay!

Good news! No surgery for me!!

Wah hoo!!

Granted, I'll still have to NOT walk for 3-4 more weeks, but hey, I'd rather do that without having to also be recovering from a sliced up knee. Physical therapy will begin (barring any unforeseen circumstances) 3 weeks from Tuesday, and I've decided once it commences I'm taking it all the way....

Meaning I'm gonna work my ass off and get into the best shape I've ever been - with a deadline of this summer. I'm gonna kick ASS!!

Muhahahahaha

Day 4 of my captivity..

It's now day 4 of my imprisonment...I have been watching the world out my window - the gray squirrels like to run along the porch roof below and play tag...or maybe they're furry little guards, posted to make sure no one makes a break for freedom! Something new today...large, earth-moving vehicles are being unloaded down in the street. Are they filling in another's escape tunnel?!? Or just "fixing" something? - This does not bode well for the quality of silence I've become accustomed to....

The daily routine is beginning to sink in, with the regular sweet treatment from my husband. So far, to brighten my world he has brought me an Orchid and a Mr. Potato Head "Spiderman," along with some high-class reading in the form of the Enquirer. Since I am unable to bear weight on OR bend my right leg, a special shower seat was purchased and I finally got to shower last night - ye gods it feels good to be clean. I've been doing a lot more reading, as well as surfing. Oh, and thank goodness I can watch DVDs on my laptop!! Seabisquit is a really good movie, but Tobey M. does not look good as a redhead.

More later....

Only one leg to stand on...

Because the other one's broke.

OUCH!! Ye GODS did that hurt!! I was at the dog park yesterday, and was standing around talking (not paying attention to where the pup was) when out of nowhere my 65 lb boxer comes barreling full speed into my right knee. I almost passed out - but I stayed standing!! I then spent the next 8 hours in the ER. I have what's called a "rt tibial plateau fracture" or is more commonly known as a knee fracture. At this point surgery is a probable no - but I'll know more on Friday.

It hurts.

We live in a 2-story rowhouse, about 12 steps up from the street, and with the one working bathroom on the 2nd floor.

My doc says potentially 10-12 weeks of taking NO weight on that foot.

I can no longer say I've never broken a bone.

sigh. So much for yoga class. Or job hunting. yeesh. Do know I'll probably be blogging a bit more!!!

Lessons

Life is full of lessons.
Some are good lessons - puppies are warm, wiggly, and give copious kisses.
Some are hard lessons - just because you have experience, skills, and the ambition to do a great job, does NOT mean you will easily (if at all) find the ONE job that will make you happy, challenged, and fulfilled.

Strangely, life doesn't balance out these lessons. Sometimes you get hit with a string of "good" ones....you get a promotion, you win the lottery, you get asked out by that really cute guy, you find JUST the book you were looking for over the past few months.
And sometimes you get pummeled by the "hard" ones....you get fired, your boyfriend dumps you, the job you get is NOT the one you wanted, you get deeper into debt which locks you into this disliked job. (only some of the good and hard have happened to me)

What we do with these lessons--how we react, absorb, adapt to, accept, or reject them--directly influences our spirit, soul, body, mind, and essence. Lessons can imbue great joy, peaceful happiness, gentle tears, or black depression....Well, actually the LESSONS don't imbue this - how we respond to them brings on the emotions. Most of the time, we're not aware of the lesson as it's happening. Sometimes it takes quite some time before we realize what really happened and can identify the lesson.

I've learned some things over this past year....that I am a deadline-driven individual, that I really need to be challenged in my job, that even in very dark days one CAN depend on one's friends. I also know that if I, myself, make no effort to "make things better" then they won't get any better. Yes, being depressed can become a "comfortable" and easy place to dwell - people don't expect much from you, and wallowing is so easy. But feeling proud of your self, and your own efforts...being happy at the feeling of achievement...being able to laugh with your friends - these are so much more "worth" the effort it takes to improve your world.

My steps toward a better, happier world for myself this year include (so far): a really great yoga class (started today); not setting a deadline on when I'll be out of my job (each time it passes I just get more depressed - it will happen when it happens); being more aware of my OWN desires, and not just going with the flow to make others happy.

I'm sure there will be more "happy steps" - as I figure out what I need to do to make the change I know I can, and know I need. But I'm moving, not sitting in the shadows anymore.

New Year's mutterings....

Happy New Year to all…Here’s hoping 2008 will be better for everyone than 2007 – even if your 2007 was good, maybe 2008 will be GREAT!

Not too much to say at this point. Just a few mutterings….

~~~~
Pup is now a year old. We’re gonna do a birthday party for him to try and blow his little mind…. He met my parents over the holidays, and fun was had by all. He’s really turning out to be a very good dog, with such an amiable personality!!

~~~~
Plans for this year include a trip to England sometime this Septemberish – for hubby’s 40th b-day. It should be a great time. I have kin in and around London who I haven’t seen in a LONG time. Also gonna do a bit of ancestor snooping in Leeds – my father’s mother was born there.

~~~~
I was talking with a new friend last night (we shall call her Missy)– she, too, is having a bad time with her job….only, her boss is being intentionally bad: spreading rumors about Missy and her family, inciting jealousy and back stabbing by telling another employee that Missy has been saying mean things about them, calling Missy out on the carpet for not participating in non-work things, and then getting all upset that Missy isn’t going to spend time hanging out at work in the evenings (because Missy has a LIFE!). Missy said she’s a very up-front gal – says what’s on her mind...often making her boss a bit more agressive...so I suggested she think this phrase through each time she runs into a situation that upsets her and she wants to spout off…

“Would it [a reaction or statement] be good for ME, or would it be good for the situation? Because if it’s good for the situation, THEN it will be good for me.”

She seemed to like the suggestion.

~~~~
I start yoga this coming Saturday. I’m trying this out for a few reasons…
1. I did yoga way back in 1996 and really enjoyed it.
2. I really need to try and limber myself up – before I contract into a pretzel!
3. I need to learn to be “quiet” again – to center myself, calm myself.

I feel all of this will help me deal with my work stress much better – AND help me get my diabetes under control again. I’ve heard that stress can really mess with your sugar levels, and adding to that my rather depressed state of late, my sugars suck. I was told back in November that if I didn’t bring them down by the end of January that I’d have to go on medication...and I REALLY REALLY don’t want to take meds if I can help it. So I’ve been trying to eat better again, while also trying to de-stress and alleviate my depression a bit, and feel that I can do much better with the help of the yoga. I’ll keep you informed.

~~~~
I still need to win the lottery...