Saturday, May 31, 2008

Loop de loop

Sometimes it gets very frustrating being me. I know, I really don't have a choice in the matter...can't very well be someone else, right? But it gets very tiring knowing what one needs to do, and knowing one can do it, yet not being "able" to actually go through and do it. Forward momentum is an incredibly iffy thing to me these days.

Some days I'm fine - strong, semi-confidant, focused. But many days I'm not so fine. And it frustrates me that I "take for granted" where I am in life. I mean, I've got a nice house (yes, it needs things, but it's basically not bad); I've got a husband who thinks I'm beautiful, amazing, intelligent, and sexy; I have a job that pays the bills; I've got my health (basically); and I have a friend or two that seem to like me; and I've got a really good dog. So, what's my problem?

1) the house - it's really more than we should have gotten. It's expensive, it needs fixing up as well as keeping up, and we just don't have the money.

2) I don't see myself even close to the good light in which my hubby does...I feel definitely unlovely, not sexy, rather boring, and quite needy.

3) Yeah, the job. I'd like a job I am appreciated for (even slightly), where I feel like I'm accomplishing things, and that is in a better atmosphere. Would that be too much to ask for? Evidently.

4) I'm loosing the battle against my diabetes. I really think I'm going to have to go on meds soon. My weight is not going away - mainly because I can't get myself back on my diet, let alone get working out again. Granted, our new gym opens tomorrow....but we'll see.

5) But I have so MANY more "friends" that I thought cared who have completely dropped off my radar....and one of my best friends is moving out of state in less than 2 months.

6) The dog is great - but he does restrict our travels quite a bit.

So. How 'bout that. I'm just a big whiner. Oh well. Like I said, being me isn't so fun most of these days. And I hate that I can't be more upbeat and happy like I used to be, because I know it stresses out my hubby. He doesn't like it when I'm down, because he doesn't know what to do to bring me up. Not that it's his job, but he cares and wants to help. So he gets down, which brings me down because I'm bringing him down.

I know, I no longer am going forward....I'm just stuck on a loop. A vertical one, which has an upside as well as a downside. Guess where I am today?


Steve said...

Wasn't there an old song called "Accentuate the Positive"? I know, it's easier said than done -- but you had it going there at the beginning. You can see any of life's circumstances in a number of different ways.

Your friend moving out of town shouldn't mean the end of your friendship, particularly in this day of the magical Internet.

I am amazed that we're both reading Jane Eyre simultaneously! Maybe you need something cheerier, though? :)

wordwitch said...

Hey Steve,

Yeah, I'm just at the point where she's with St. John and he's pushing her to make a decision...if you haven't gotten there I won't ruin it for you, but..the book has me so tied up in it, if she makes the "wrong" decision I'll be very upset with her!!

As for me - I'll be fine. I'm just learning to take things as they come and not to clutch onto what might be so very much. One day at a time, right?


Gary said...

You must know that ALL of us feel this way at one time or another. I look at myself and think "What happened to you?" as far as outward appearance. But, the things that I do have control over I celebrate. It is about balance - the good with the bad. Focus your energy on the good and let the rest go.

For what it's worth, I thought you were attractive, sexy, funny, interesting and throughly engaging.

wordwitch said...

thanks for the smile Gary.

lettuce said...

hugs back to you, M.

Don't see why you shouldn't moan, everyone needs a moan now and then.
But i hope you get to break out of the loop soon.

sometimes little changes can help...


Aileen said...

Ah yes, we are our own worst critics, aren't we?

From where I stand, you seem to have a beautiful life! I'm sure you know these "down moments" always pass...