Sunday, March 8, 2009


I really couldn't think of a good title for this post. I settled for "Changes" because it covers things in a variety of ways.

Change #1 - the very saddest change. My friend's mother died two days ago. My friend is only 32, so her mother wasn't much older than me (OK, so she was probably about 15 years older, but still). Part of the sad thing is, my friend is way up in Wisconsin, and I'm stuck here in DC. I can't just go to her and give her a hug, or see if I can do anything for her. So I send words. Words of sympathy, words of love, words of caring, words. Too bad words can't carry a hug.

Change #2 - My life. I'm a fully medicated diabetic now. It sucks. I have to stick myself every morning to check my blood sugar. I've tried - quite hard - to connect with a diabetic educator, but the closest one that is covered by my health insurance is over in West Virginia. Isn't that totally ridiculous?? I've tried talking to a few people, but no juice. So, even though I really want to get some help, to do the best thing for my situation, I can't. I'm still completely on my own. Yeah, I've potentially got a nice new doctor - potentially, because I'm still not sure my insurance will cover HER! Gotta wait to see what sort of payment insurance will give her, before I commit totally. I mean, if they're not going to pay for her, I sure can't, especially now that I'm spending about $50-75 a month on meds!! And yeah, I've got my super husband, he's been great. But he isn't an expert in diabetes, so.... I'm not doing as much as I should, because I loose my momentum, my drive, and get depressed. Yes, I'm still exercising - usually 2x a week. But that's not enough to really affect my diabetes, just keep it in stasis. I'm sticking closer to my diet, but not enough. So, I've come to realize today that I'm about as "healthy" as I'm going to be - now I just need to try and lock it all into place.

Change #3 - Relationships. I don't have many friends. J. - down in New Orleans. L. - up in Michigan. W. - in NJ. T. - here in DC area. And of course my wonderful hubby. I can also count my Mom, and, until my last post pissed him off, a fellow named A.C.II. Except for the last one, I don't quite know why I don't have more....I'm usually a very true friend, doing my best to be there, help out, be a part of a partnership. But as I've mentioned previously (in some other post I think), making friends when one's in their 40s is no small feat. If you can't meet them at work, there's really no-where else to hook up. And I've tapped a majorly dry well at work, so.....So what's changing you ask? Hopefully my desperate desire for friendship. I need to embrace my own friendship, to be fulfilled with my on-my-owness. To stop trying to cling onto every person I meet. And to my friend A.C.II - I said I was disappointed because I care so very much, and yet can do nothing. Talking to the individuals wouldn't help - I've tried it couple of times. Everyone does only what they want to do, not what others want them to do. One lives life under one's own motivation.

Change #4 - this one is left open for potentialities. Here's hopin'.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

disappointing futures

This is not going to be a very “nice” post, but it’s something that’s been on my mind for a while, and I figure I need to write it down to get it to move on….

It’s about my nieces and nephews. I’ve got 10 of them (ok, one is a step-niece, but still), and they range in age from 2 years to 27 years old. Now basically, I’m only going to complain about the ones over 18…which, coincidentally is exactly half of them (or 5, for those of you who may be mathematically challenged)…ages of 18 (19 by May), 19 (20 by June), 21 (22 by April), 23 (24 by June), and 27. See, each of them is kind of disappointing. Not ONE of them is really succeeding (let alone excelling!) in life, and they don’t really seem to care too much about it. Only one is really pursuing a career – and he’s doing ok, though he did fail a class and therefore pushed his graduation back by 6 months. The others though…seem so very directionless. And one of them is married with a kid of his own already. Granted, they all have great dreams and come up with plans all the time, but there’s no motivation or follow thru. They don’t seem able to take it all in hand and DO SOMETHING for themselves.

I don’t know if the “fault” lies with the parents (my brothers & sis-in-laws) or just in the laziness of the individual. Granted, I don’t think my brothers (any of them, really) did all that great in the parenting realm, but then I also don’t think they did badly either – NONE of the “kids” is in trouble, on drugs, or just plain f*cked up….That in itself is a major accomplishment these days. All of them are polite, clean (usually), intelligent, talented, and have a firm grasp of wrong and right.

But they’re not doing a thing to really grab onto their potential and make a success out of their lives. Just what ARE they doing, you ask? Two of them are currently living at home (one working and going to school, the other has tried 3 colleges, but is doing nothing to my knowledge); one is in a dead-end internship out of state (down in Disney), but not taking advantage of the course work she could get; one works at something like Chick-fillet or Starbucks and just got engaged (no college); and one is married (has an associates) with a child and a wife…and last I heard he wasn’t fully employed. So as I said, no overt ambition….though, again, there is ONE who seems to be headed in that direction….But 1 out of 5? Doesn’t sound like good odds to me. I realize that maybe they don’t fully understand yet that their life is strictly up to them – what they get out of it is only what they put into it. If they put no effort into it, they’ll get nothing in return. They need to learn that they – themselves – are the ONLY ONE RESPONSIBLE for what happens to them. If they’re broke because they’re not working….find a job – anything to pay the bills till you figure out what you really want to do – AND THEN FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO IT. Success takes effort. Lots of effort. And it means sometimes doing things you don’t really want to do, in order to get to where you want to be.

If you have a dream, something that you really want to do – pursue it. Figure out what it will take to fulfill it, whether that’s schooling, internships, research, or just working in the field/type of job you want, so you can gain experience to get up to the level you want to be at ultimately. But DO something. If you want to go to a specific college, figure out how you can get the money (scholarships, grants, working while attending, etc.) and then GO FOR IT. If you don’t get it the first time, GO FOR IT AGAIN, and again, and again. You are the only one who can make your life happy – no one else has any influence on it (unless you let them, which is perfectly fine, as long as you’re not leeching off of them). I know from personal experience that sometimes what you really want is just too hard to get to right this minute…but that doesn’t mean you should give up on it. You just need to do your best right now, keep the dream in sight and work on it in whatever way you can, and eventually you will figure out a way to attain your goal.

It’s just kind of sad to watch the “next generation” be such a group of do-nothings, when I can see they have a ton of potential. I’ve offered to help a few times, in such a way where I wouldn’t be carrying them but that they’d be able to follow through on their own….but no takers. Guess they really don’t want to make the effort – do they just want it handed to them? Not gonna happen.

But I guess there is always possibility for change, right? Here's hopin'.