changes

I really couldn't think of a good title for this post. I settled for "Changes" because it covers things in a variety of ways.

Change #1 - the very saddest change. My friend's mother died two days ago. My friend is only 32, so her mother wasn't much older than me (OK, so she was probably about 15 years older, but still). Part of the sad thing is, my friend is way up in Wisconsin, and I'm stuck here in DC. I can't just go to her and give her a hug, or see if I can do anything for her. So I send words. Words of sympathy, words of love, words of caring, words. Too bad words can't carry a hug.

Change #2 - My life. I'm a fully medicated diabetic now. It sucks. I have to stick myself every morning to check my blood sugar. I've tried - quite hard - to connect with a diabetic educator, but the closest one that is covered by my health insurance is over in West Virginia. Isn't that totally ridiculous?? I've tried talking to a few people, but no juice. So, even though I really want to get some help, to do the best thing for my situation, I can't. I'm still completely on my own. Yeah, I've potentially got a nice new doctor - potentially, because I'm still not sure my insurance will cover HER! Gotta wait to see what sort of payment insurance will give her, before I commit totally. I mean, if they're not going to pay for her, I sure can't, especially now that I'm spending about $50-75 a month on meds!! And yeah, I've got my super husband, he's been great. But he isn't an expert in diabetes, so.... I'm not doing as much as I should, because I loose my momentum, my drive, and get depressed. Yes, I'm still exercising - usually 2x a week. But that's not enough to really affect my diabetes, just keep it in stasis. I'm sticking closer to my diet, but not enough. So, I've come to realize today that I'm about as "healthy" as I'm going to be - now I just need to try and lock it all into place.

Change #3 - Relationships. I don't have many friends. J. - down in New Orleans. L. - up in Michigan. W. - in NJ. T. - here in DC area. And of course my wonderful hubby. I can also count my Mom, and, until my last post pissed him off, a fellow named A.C.II. Except for the last one, I don't quite know why I don't have more....I'm usually a very true friend, doing my best to be there, help out, be a part of a partnership. But as I've mentioned previously (in some other post I think), making friends when one's in their 40s is no small feat. If you can't meet them at work, there's really no-where else to hook up. And I've tapped a majorly dry well at work, so.....So what's changing you ask? Hopefully my desperate desire for friendship. I need to embrace my own friendship, to be fulfilled with my on-my-owness. To stop trying to cling onto every person I meet. And to my friend A.C.II - I said I was disappointed because I care so very much, and yet can do nothing. Talking to the individuals wouldn't help - I've tried it couple of times. Everyone does only what they want to do, not what others want them to do. One lives life under one's own motivation.

Change #4 - this one is left open for potentialities. Here's hopin'.