Sunday, March 8, 2009

changes

I really couldn't think of a good title for this post. I settled for "Changes" because it covers things in a variety of ways.

Change #1 - the very saddest change. My friend's mother died two days ago. My friend is only 32, so her mother wasn't much older than me (OK, so she was probably about 15 years older, but still). Part of the sad thing is, my friend is way up in Wisconsin, and I'm stuck here in DC. I can't just go to her and give her a hug, or see if I can do anything for her. So I send words. Words of sympathy, words of love, words of caring, words. Too bad words can't carry a hug.

Change #2 - My life. I'm a fully medicated diabetic now. It sucks. I have to stick myself every morning to check my blood sugar. I've tried - quite hard - to connect with a diabetic educator, but the closest one that is covered by my health insurance is over in West Virginia. Isn't that totally ridiculous?? I've tried talking to a few people, but no juice. So, even though I really want to get some help, to do the best thing for my situation, I can't. I'm still completely on my own. Yeah, I've potentially got a nice new doctor - potentially, because I'm still not sure my insurance will cover HER! Gotta wait to see what sort of payment insurance will give her, before I commit totally. I mean, if they're not going to pay for her, I sure can't, especially now that I'm spending about $50-75 a month on meds!! And yeah, I've got my super husband, he's been great. But he isn't an expert in diabetes, so.... I'm not doing as much as I should, because I loose my momentum, my drive, and get depressed. Yes, I'm still exercising - usually 2x a week. But that's not enough to really affect my diabetes, just keep it in stasis. I'm sticking closer to my diet, but not enough. So, I've come to realize today that I'm about as "healthy" as I'm going to be - now I just need to try and lock it all into place.

Change #3 - Relationships. I don't have many friends. J. - down in New Orleans. L. - up in Michigan. W. - in NJ. T. - here in DC area. And of course my wonderful hubby. I can also count my Mom, and, until my last post pissed him off, a fellow named A.C.II. Except for the last one, I don't quite know why I don't have more....I'm usually a very true friend, doing my best to be there, help out, be a part of a partnership. But as I've mentioned previously (in some other post I think), making friends when one's in their 40s is no small feat. If you can't meet them at work, there's really no-where else to hook up. And I've tapped a majorly dry well at work, so.....So what's changing you ask? Hopefully my desperate desire for friendship. I need to embrace my own friendship, to be fulfilled with my on-my-owness. To stop trying to cling onto every person I meet. And to my friend A.C.II - I said I was disappointed because I care so very much, and yet can do nothing. Talking to the individuals wouldn't help - I've tried it couple of times. Everyone does only what they want to do, not what others want them to do. One lives life under one's own motivation.

Change #4 - this one is left open for potentialities. Here's hopin'.

4 comments:

notyourfrog said...

Change can be a good thing. Pretty much everything in this life changes at least once (though usually more) in our span here. My brief experience has taught me to embrace it - as long as we have a constant to keep us from spinning into the void. I find that people that cannot handle change lack this constant.

As for your friend (and you as a result of her pain), I am truly sorry for the loss. As for your medical change, again: I am sorry, but the good news is there's modern medicine to help keep the effects of this change as minimal as possible. Finally, change #3 . . . . I have no advice or counsel to give when it comes to making friends, since I am currently at an all-time low in this category myself. I can however, speak directly to the change concerning ACII, since I have the unique perspective of being him. You haven't lost this friend. Everyone gets pissed off from time to time - especially when they believe themselves to have been wronged, but a true friend can work through the offense. Yes, I was offended. Yes, I think you were wrong (about 23 and me anyway, since we're the only 2 I can accurately vouch for). Yes, you and I see things extremely differently. I see things this way: value Yes, I do still want you as my friend. I'm not so shallow to let my ego outweigh a friendship. So yes - you can still consider ACII your friend, if you wish it.

To use your words: here's hoping.

mary/mom said...

here is someone who loves you....I am sorry for your sadness; virtual hug is enclosed. and sorry for the return of your disease.. About change,I used to be so frustrated with the present time, always trying to make something happen so that the future could be "better" or more "Normal"in some way... then realized that change IS normal, and that can be a good thing, or at least more tolerable with an adjusted perspective. I am coming to terms with being a self-diagnosed compulsive overeater, so there we are...doing our best to deal. I
do try to cope with mine from a 12-step approach (one day at a time/turning it all over to a higher power), but I will say that life is not easy and challenges can quickly wear a person down. You, my dear friend, have the enormous advantage of living with one of the world champion loving, caring, compassionate people, my son. I know you already appreciate this and you are much the same yourself when it comes to others. Please love yourself and know that you are deserving of the best. When I count my blessings I think of you. Love always, m/m

wordwitch said...

Thank you M/M - you are a woman of fine sensibilities, and I value your friendship greatly. And thanks for the "hug"!

M.

lettuce said...

i'm with you on leaving open for potentialities - and hoping

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