So many words bubble inside – hope, despair, anger, frustration, self-pity, determination. Thoughts ricochet around, bouncing off walls of black and white. Images parade by my inner eyes; of me, of where I want to be, of what I want to do, of what I want to BE. My dreams build up, big and filled with hope, just to be ignored by fate or whatever is moving me forward. Sometimes I see myself changing direction – off in a new pursuit of something worth-while or fulfilling. I could be so good at… or I’d love to do… or I think that I could really kick butt at…. Other times I see myself stuck at the crossroads, never taking that next step down one of the many roads in front of me. And still other times, I see me sitting still, stuck by inertia, unable to extricate myself and knowing that no one else can pull me out either.
So many thoughts wish to come to the surface, to be voiced. But I restrain them, smother them, try and see that they really aren’t as true as they think they are.
One of my mottos is “you can’t win if you don’t play”…but I think someone either changed the rules or shut the game down without letting me know. There’s no winning for me.