Friday, August 22, 2008

wishing, winning, and losing

So many words bubble inside – hope, despair, anger, frustration, self-pity, determination. Thoughts ricochet around, bouncing off walls of black and white. Images parade by my inner eyes; of me, of where I want to be, of what I want to do, of what I want to BE. My dreams build up, big and filled with hope, just to be ignored by fate or whatever is moving me forward. Sometimes I see myself changing direction – off in a new pursuit of something worth-while or fulfilling. I could be so good at… or I’d love to do… or I think that I could really kick butt at…. Other times I see myself stuck at the crossroads, never taking that next step down one of the many roads in front of me. And still other times, I see me sitting still, stuck by inertia, unable to extricate myself and knowing that no one else can pull me out either.

So many thoughts wish to come to the surface, to be voiced. But I restrain them, smother them, try and see that they really aren’t as true as they think they are.

One of my mottos is “you can’t win if you don’t play”…but I think someone either changed the rules or shut the game down without letting me know. There’s no winning for me.

3 comments:

lettuce said...

:-(

best to voice whats inside i reckon
i hope your trip will help, it sounds as though you need a break


(so excited i'm going to see you!!!!)

Not Your Frog said...

The cries of the truly gifted are often the ones least heard. This world is populated by the mediocre, leaving the exceptional to flounder or settle for what is usually less than true fulfillment.

Only the determined will find satisfaction. I have already found this to be the rule for my life. Working two (extremely un-fulfilling) jobs right now is merely my way of positioning myself for a step that may lead to things more meaningful.

I won't pretend to offer some sage maxim that will heal the world's problems. For me to try would be folly. I only say what I have found to be helpful for me, and hope that you can take some small comfort in knowing you are not the only one who feels/has felt the way you do.

Steve said...

My advice: Don't get caught up in ideas and desires about the future or regrets of the past. Focus on what you really have, what's at hand NOW. I hope that helps.