Thursday, January 24, 2008

18 days in the hole....

Not feeling very well today - hope it's nothing more than a touch of indigestion....just would add insult to injury if I went and got the flu or something.

I've been stuck here for 18 days now. Yes, I've made forays into the world with hubby - went shopping last Sunday - but my weekdays are very restricted. I spend most of the day up in the bedroom...working, reading, sometimes sleeping. In the evenings I stump my way downstairs and watch some TV while trying to play with the pup a bit.

This injury has been a real eye-opener, showing me how much I took for granted my former be able to just get up out of a chair and run to the kitchen or bathroom without thinking about it and trying to figure out the path or how to do the stairs...these are kinda beyond me now. Hell, I can't even just go get a glass of water because I can't carry it on crutches! argh.

And some days are better than others. Some days I'm all confident and calm - this is going to work out just fine, things aren't that bad: and some days are dark - fuck this, I don't want to work, I don't want to eat my lunch, I'm going to be stuck in the hated/stupid job once I DO heal....

I just want to walk again. And the leg cramps aren't helping.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

still captive...

Day eleven, and I'm still here....I knew that I would have darker days and brighter days as these weeks pass, but knowing about it still doesn't make dealing with them any easier.

It snowed today - I'm actually very grateful that I didn't have to deal with what looks like a very messy snow accumulation. But I'm still just sitting here....Granted, I have work to do now, but it's still work from the hated place, so it's not easy to make myself focus on it for the hours I need to....especially when there's much more interesting things to do - like read my novel, play on the interweb, SLEEP....been getting a lot of sleep lately, unlike my poor hubby. He's really gonna need a vacation from all of this soon - just so he can get some sleep. He's looking quite rundown, and it frustrates me that he's having to do so much more on top of a very difficult time at work. 'Course, at least he still HAS work - his company just laid off 10 people...that was a bit nerve wracking....

So. I'm trying hard to realize that I AM healing, that this will not go on forever. Trouble is, I'm the sort of person who likes to get things done almost as soon as I think of them (or at least within a reasonable amount of time) and I KNOW that things will change once I get my feet back under me: more aggressive job hunt, a firm and fun exercise program, cleaning the house, being able to run around town with my hubby....but I want it all NOW, not 3 months from now. Hell, I wouldn't even mind grabbing some fast food from Union Station at this point....(oh, and does anyone know for sure that if one sits in the same spot for hours, day after day, on one's bed - will it damage the mattress?)

sigh. And it's only been eleven days.

Friday, January 11, 2008


Good news! No surgery for me!!

Wah hoo!!

Granted, I'll still have to NOT walk for 3-4 more weeks, but hey, I'd rather do that without having to also be recovering from a sliced up knee. Physical therapy will begin (barring any unforeseen circumstances) 3 weeks from Tuesday, and I've decided once it commences I'm taking it all the way....

Meaning I'm gonna work my ass off and get into the best shape I've ever been - with a deadline of this summer. I'm gonna kick ASS!!


Thursday, January 10, 2008

Day 4 of my captivity..

It's now day 4 of my imprisonment...I have been watching the world out my window - the gray squirrels like to run along the porch roof below and play tag...or maybe they're furry little guards, posted to make sure no one makes a break for freedom! Something new today...large, earth-moving vehicles are being unloaded down in the street. Are they filling in another's escape tunnel?!? Or just "fixing" something? - This does not bode well for the quality of silence I've become accustomed to....

The daily routine is beginning to sink in, with the regular sweet treatment from my husband. So far, to brighten my world he has brought me an Orchid and a Mr. Potato Head "Spiderman," along with some high-class reading in the form of the Enquirer. Since I am unable to bear weight on OR bend my right leg, a special shower seat was purchased and I finally got to shower last night - ye gods it feels good to be clean. I've been doing a lot more reading, as well as surfing. Oh, and thank goodness I can watch DVDs on my laptop!! Seabisquit is a really good movie, but Tobey M. does not look good as a redhead.

More later....

Monday, January 7, 2008

Only one leg to stand on...

Because the other one's broke.

OUCH!! Ye GODS did that hurt!! I was at the dog park yesterday, and was standing around talking (not paying attention to where the pup was) when out of nowhere my 65 lb boxer comes barreling full speed into my right knee. I almost passed out - but I stayed standing!! I then spent the next 8 hours in the ER. I have what's called a "rt tibial plateau fracture" or is more commonly known as a knee fracture. At this point surgery is a probable no - but I'll know more on Friday.

It hurts.

We live in a 2-story rowhouse, about 12 steps up from the street, and with the one working bathroom on the 2nd floor.

My doc says potentially 10-12 weeks of taking NO weight on that foot.

I can no longer say I've never broken a bone.

sigh. So much for yoga class. Or job hunting. yeesh. Do know I'll probably be blogging a bit more!!!

Saturday, January 5, 2008


Life is full of lessons.
Some are good lessons - puppies are warm, wiggly, and give copious kisses.
Some are hard lessons - just because you have experience, skills, and the ambition to do a great job, does NOT mean you will easily (if at all) find the ONE job that will make you happy, challenged, and fulfilled.

Strangely, life doesn't balance out these lessons. Sometimes you get hit with a string of "good" get a promotion, you win the lottery, you get asked out by that really cute guy, you find JUST the book you were looking for over the past few months.
And sometimes you get pummeled by the "hard" get fired, your boyfriend dumps you, the job you get is NOT the one you wanted, you get deeper into debt which locks you into this disliked job. (only some of the good and hard have happened to me)

What we do with these lessons--how we react, absorb, adapt to, accept, or reject them--directly influences our spirit, soul, body, mind, and essence. Lessons can imbue great joy, peaceful happiness, gentle tears, or black depression....Well, actually the LESSONS don't imbue this - how we respond to them brings on the emotions. Most of the time, we're not aware of the lesson as it's happening. Sometimes it takes quite some time before we realize what really happened and can identify the lesson.

I've learned some things over this past year....that I am a deadline-driven individual, that I really need to be challenged in my job, that even in very dark days one CAN depend on one's friends. I also know that if I, myself, make no effort to "make things better" then they won't get any better. Yes, being depressed can become a "comfortable" and easy place to dwell - people don't expect much from you, and wallowing is so easy. But feeling proud of your self, and your own efforts...being happy at the feeling of achievement...being able to laugh with your friends - these are so much more "worth" the effort it takes to improve your world.

My steps toward a better, happier world for myself this year include (so far): a really great yoga class (started today); not setting a deadline on when I'll be out of my job (each time it passes I just get more depressed - it will happen when it happens); being more aware of my OWN desires, and not just going with the flow to make others happy.

I'm sure there will be more "happy steps" - as I figure out what I need to do to make the change I know I can, and know I need. But I'm moving, not sitting in the shadows anymore.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

New Year's mutterings....

Happy New Year to all…Here’s hoping 2008 will be better for everyone than 2007 – even if your 2007 was good, maybe 2008 will be GREAT!

Not too much to say at this point. Just a few mutterings….

Pup is now a year old. We’re gonna do a birthday party for him to try and blow his little mind…. He met my parents over the holidays, and fun was had by all. He’s really turning out to be a very good dog, with such an amiable personality!!

Plans for this year include a trip to England sometime this Septemberish – for hubby’s 40th b-day. It should be a great time. I have kin in and around London who I haven’t seen in a LONG time. Also gonna do a bit of ancestor snooping in Leeds – my father’s mother was born there.

I was talking with a new friend last night (we shall call her Missy)– she, too, is having a bad time with her job….only, her boss is being intentionally bad: spreading rumors about Missy and her family, inciting jealousy and back stabbing by telling another employee that Missy has been saying mean things about them, calling Missy out on the carpet for not participating in non-work things, and then getting all upset that Missy isn’t going to spend time hanging out at work in the evenings (because Missy has a LIFE!). Missy said she’s a very up-front gal – says what’s on her mind...often making her boss a bit more I suggested she think this phrase through each time she runs into a situation that upsets her and she wants to spout off…

“Would it [a reaction or statement] be good for ME, or would it be good for the situation? Because if it’s good for the situation, THEN it will be good for me.”

She seemed to like the suggestion.

I start yoga this coming Saturday. I’m trying this out for a few reasons…
1. I did yoga way back in 1996 and really enjoyed it.
2. I really need to try and limber myself up – before I contract into a pretzel!
3. I need to learn to be “quiet” again – to center myself, calm myself.

I feel all of this will help me deal with my work stress much better – AND help me get my diabetes under control again. I’ve heard that stress can really mess with your sugar levels, and adding to that my rather depressed state of late, my sugars suck. I was told back in November that if I didn’t bring them down by the end of January that I’d have to go on medication...and I REALLY REALLY don’t want to take meds if I can help it. So I’ve been trying to eat better again, while also trying to de-stress and alleviate my depression a bit, and feel that I can do much better with the help of the yoga. I’ll keep you informed.

I still need to win the lottery...