Tuesday, July 29, 2008

the complexities of a compliment and learned suspicion

So. I went out for lunch today, to get away from the JOB and the drudgery therein….I was walking down the sidewalk, having just crossed the street and avoiding a stupid car that didn’t really stop for the stop sign, when a pretty, young black woman stopped me.

“Excuse me” she said.

“Yes?” I responded – half expecting to be asked for spare change.

“I just wanted to tell you that I really love your hair cut” she said, then turned away.

“Thank you!” I replied, rather surprised. “Thank you very much, I appreciate that.”

“You’re welcome” she answered as she walked on.

Now…at first I was very pleasantly surprised and pleased. But then the suspicion crept in. Did she really think that, or was she responding more to my (probably) grumpy looking face? I know I know, it really doesn’t matter, does it? She gave me a compliment, made me smile, what’s “wrong” with that? And there really isn’t anything wrong, it’s just sad that I automatically questioned her motives. While my inner girl is always looking for and hoping for compliments, courtesies, acknowledgement, has my public side become so very angry and cynical?!? I had thought that the “beatings” of the world I had received growing up hadn’t left too deep a mark on me – that I was still rather innocent, open, non-judgmental, interested in learning and seeing…but maybe the damage is deeper that I thought.

Or maybe my inner girl is just growing up.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Blankety blank blank

It’s hard to write when the words aren’t forming in one’s head. I apologize to the 2-3 people who might be wondering why I’ve not updated recently. Just




at the moment. Not that things haven’t been happening…an interview, a yard sale in 98 degree heat, seeing S. from England again, getting a 48-hour-notice that my brother and family are coming to stay with me overnight….but the words aren’t flowing. Even at work I’m not focusing very well at all. ‘Course, that is helped by the fact that what I’m doing right now is the absolute definition of “filling-time” work. I tell you, I really really look forward to getting back in a job where I’m accomplishing things, meeting deadlines, working hard and knowing I’ll do the same tomorrow.

Either that or I’ll just win the lottery. Then I can fill my days in MUCH more productive ways than I am now – take flying lessons, take horseback riding lessons, take a course or two at a local university, bead my head off…..SLEEP.

But for now, I just feel kinda blank. I know when I’m this tired that I tend to be darkened easily….and I’m fighting it. But it’s hard. And now my body is beginning to disappoint me.

What’s that, you say? Well, I’m probably going to have to go on diabetes meds, because I’m beginning to see that while diet and exercise are really helping, my body is just plain insulin resistant. And my cholesterol isn’t going down as fast as it should. And now my stupid body is really producing (what we hope are) calcifications in my breasts, so I have to go BACK in and get yet another mammogram (this will make 4 in 9 months, not to mention the 2 MRIs)….hopefully I can avoid the stupid biopsy.

And I’m so tired.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The days come and go....

As do birthdays. Another one has past, and it went very quietly. Got a pedicure, then went to the book store. Treated myself to lunch at Panera, then went to the bead store. Hubby and I went out to dinner that night. That's all.

Now it's the day after, and the damn roller coaster has taken a dive with me. The "life isn't panning out the way I hoped" feeling is surging along, taking me down the rapids without a raft. We had our incoming lead water pipes replaced with copper today - what a fiasco. Flooded basement anyone? Thankfully we had taken Gomez to daycare, otherwise he'd have been so very stressed. But now we'll be faced with the repair bill - a complete unknown - and with our need to re-do the back yard, as well as our London trip (and even though we're staying with a super wonderful person the trip is NOT going to be cheap) I worry about the money. With these expenses facing us, it just makes me think of all the things we need to do to the house and won't be able to afford.

Hubby and I have talked about NOT buying another house after we move out of this one - it'd be easier to let the landlord take care of the repairs, ya know?

I think I just need to get away for a while - but again, it can't happen because of $$$$....so I guess I'll just keep on keepin' on. I'll figure it out...I always have.

But I think I'll start planning a major bash for myself on my 50th birthday in a few years. I feel birthdays should be celebrated - after all, the only reason you DON'T have a birthday is because you've died...and I'm not dead yet.