Tuesday, May 29, 2007
But then there are the others. Maybe I have really poor judgment, or I'm just too naive. Take "Barry" for instance. He's a super nice guy - we seemed to hit it off as friends. We talked, laughed, I helped him through some rough times, he helped me. We even went on a vacation (with my hubby and some other friends) together.....oh, and we worked together too. But now that I'm out of site (at a different job - the one I hate) I only hear from him if I make the initial contact. What's the deal?? Am I really not worth maintaining a friendship with??? And he's not the only one. Then there's "Suzy"...she and I were really close - we even told each other we felt like sisters (which neither of us have) . But then all of a sudden - boom. No calls, no emails, no nothing. For months now. wtf??? I double checked - supposedly she was "busy"....but for months now?
Suzy was the final straw, however....I decided not to pursue her, to be the one always making the initial contact. I've been making the first move for more than 20 years now, and I'm really really sick of it. I'm obviously not worth it to these people, so I refuse to do this anymore. I've been burned by people I thought were good friends - people I went WAY out my way to help, to be there for them. Only to have them ridicule me, and call me stupid. Am I really that gullible? Not anymore.
Damnit, I am a good person. Why can't I find people to care for that will care for me too? I confess - I'm not alone....I have a super wonderful husband, who, for some reason is very attracted to me, thinks I'm beautiful, intelligent, talented and magical. I have another friend - my only girlfriend if I don't count my Mom (who is a very good friend) - who seems to really think highly of me, and seems to value my friendship. Aside from these two (three with Mom) who I call my "inner circle," I have a few in the "outer circle" - maybe 3-4 people. People who would miss me a lot if I wasn't around anymore (at least I think they would....).
And I KNOW I'm not perfect, that I'm not a snappy conversationalist, or up-to-date with pop culture, politics, music, or literature. But I'm a caring, dependable, spiritual person. When I'm your friend, you have all of my attention. I've been told I love unconditionally. If that means that I'll love you no matter what you are/do as long as you're/it's not hurtful, then yes....that's me. I'll be there for you in bad times as well as good ones. I'll laugh with you, cry with you, be a shoulder, slap you up-side the head when you need it, let you slap me when I need it, etc.
But if you don't try and reciprocate at all.....I'm tired of carrying the whole load. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. No more fawning puppy here. You make the first move now.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Rules:1. Go to Wikipedia and put in your birthday, without the year, in the search bar.2. List on your blog 3 events, 2 births, 1 death and 1 holiday that happens(ed) on your birthday.
1456 – A retrial verdict acquits Joan of Arc of heresy 25 years after her death.
(too little, way too late.)
1898 - History of United States overseas expansion: President William McKinley signs the Newlands Resolution annexing Hawaii as a territory of the United States.
1947 - Downed UFO believed to be found in the Roswell UFO incident.
(cool, my ride showed up on my birthday!)
1860 - Gustav Mahler, Austrian composer (d. 1911)
1907 - Robert A. Heinlein, American writer (d. 1988)
1975 - Ruffian, American thoroughbred racehorse (b. 1972)
(they put a HORSE in with the writers, politicians, and musicians??)
….um….the only holidays observed on this date have to do with the Orthodox Church and the Catholic Church….so I’m gonna mention the other people I know that share my birthday instead:
- My Mom!
- My friend’s adopted daughter, Su Hong
These are special people.
Hubby and I went up to NYC over the weekend and had a great time - wonderful weather, good food (too much good food), a ton of walking (I now know most of the East Village by heart...) and many cool things were bought. Oh, and Carnegie Hall is really beautiful!!
Friday, May 18, 2007
But the house still needs work. The fellows who came by last Friday to look at our stair steps that need fixing still haven’t called back. I’ve called them 2x, and today hubby is trying them. We were really hoping this contractor would work out, because they handle a LOT of household repairs, and we need someone reliable to help us along for a bit. That threshold is protected now, with a duct-taped tarp, but it really needs to be fixed before we can have the bathroom below it redone.
I’m thinking the hubby and I need to take a household repair class (or two!) – to try and become a bit more independent….!
Tomorrow we have the fence guys coming to finally take down the chain-link fence. But again….I called the tree people (there’s 3 trunks involved with the chain-link fence) to try and schedule them to come by and take the 3 remaining stumps down as low as they can…..and THEY still haven’t called me back. YEESH! We can’t have the new fence put up until those stumps are taken down…..
And then, to beat a dead horse, there’s my job. I’ve got about 5-6 resumes out (I know, that isn’t a lot, but these are places I’d LIKE to work at) and no-one is calling me. Makes me feel like Patty Plague.
There’s a quote on my cubicle wall:
The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we are, but in what direction we are moving. – by Oliver Wendell Holmes.
I feel rather stuck in place at the moment.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Mostly my lack of maternal instinct is because I don’t really like kids. Mainly because I can’t communicate with them, and if they’re infants – oh boy…just stop crying! doesn’t seem to work. I don’t find babies cute – especially when they have food smeared all over their faces. I especially don’t like kids in restaurants these days, because it seems that many parents haven’t taught junior that it is a BAD thing to yell and jump up and down on the seat at the table. My mother would have just given me the “look,” and I’d know I was toast.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I think if a woman (or man) wants kids, and can love them and provide for them, then go for it. Raise up a strong, intelligent, loving individual. But just because a woman CAN breed doesn’t mean she SHOULD. The idea that all women want kids is ridiculous. I remember when I was working at mall up in Michigan….a new guy had started that evening, and we were just standing around talking. He asked if I had any kids (I was in my late 20s) and when I said no and that I didn’t plan on having any he replied “You mean you don’t want kids?!? I thought every woman wanted kids?!?” He was completely dumbfounded….yeesh. Another example: I was having an ultrasound done and the tech and I were discussing kids. When I mentioned my decision, she looked at me and said “You know, if I had known when I was younger (she was probably in her 40s) that I didn’t HAVE to have kids, I probably wouldn’t have….I mean, I LOVE my kids, and wouldn’t change them now….but back then it was just expected that a woman got married and had kids.”
So I guess what I’m saying is…if you want kids, can love them and provide for them – have them!! Or go adopt some if you can’t have your own. But if you don’t want kids, do NOT succumb to peer pressure (family or spousal), or cultural expectations. It’s your body, YOUR responsibility. “Accidents” shouldn’t happen.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Fair warning….this is a “poor me” entry….if you don’t want to come to my pity party, better stop reading now.
Why do bad things continue to happen? Why can’t life just be “ok” for a while, letting us catch our breath? We just repaired the two doors that USED to lead to a second-floor deck (the deck got removed last summer because of a major leak in the roof under it – into the lower bathroom….we had to replace the whole roof). We had the doors' frames capped with PVC sheathing. I thought this would stop the leak into the lower bathroom….after all, the one door wasn’t even fully framed in, so the water must have been getting in between the boards….Then tonight it rained hard….and we had a major leak into the lower bathroom again…At least this time we tracked the leak to the threshold of the door upstairs…but now it’s not only leaking into the bathroom, it’s starting to come in through the ceiling just outside of the bathroom. This means the water is coming further into the house via soaked wood.
So first thing Monday I have to call a repairman to come and rip up the threshold, and probably some of the hardwood floor in that bedroom, repair what needs to be repaired, replace what is damaged and SOMEHOW stop that threshold from leaking.
Because we STILL have to completely redo that lower bathroom (it got flooded last June, and we found out this past February that the plumbing isn’t up to code either when 4 pipes burst under the floor and in the wall) and we can’t do that until we know it won’t get leaked into again.
Then there’s the fence we’ve been trying to get done for at least a month. And the front porch roof that needs to be repaired. The front steps need to be redone. The cracks in the front hall wall repaired. The plaster and wall in the upstairs bathroom repaired. Our bedroom and 3 rooms’ ceilings painted. The window sill in the lower bathroom fixed. The sliding screen doors off the kitchen fixed (they don’t move). The garage needs its door fixed, gutters put up, and the steps leading into the back yard redone….
And then there’s the dog. I’m still not convinced we should keep him. I don’t know if our lifestyle or current energy level is fair to him, or if he’s a good fit for us.....and our lack of patience is rather telling.….
And then there’s my job (see last post).
Will this ever stop? Or is this my life from now on – fix one thing, move onto the next, hoping that something doesn’t pop up as an emergency repair, dealing with a hyper, stubborn puppy while trying to just live life and spend time with my husband who is overworked.
It’s all so very frustrating and discouraging. I’d really love to have some “every-day” quiet time…I’m not even asking for a lot of good times, or happiness….just some not-too-bad days. Is that possible?
Friday, May 11, 2007
apathetic, bored, cloyed, cool, disenchanted, disentranced, fed up, glutted, indifferent, jaded, knowing, laid back, lukewarm, mellow, mondaine, offhand, satiated, sick of, sophisticate, sophisticated, surfeited, unconcerned, unexcited, uninterested, unmoved, weary, world-weary
annoyed, blasé, blue*, depressed, discontented, dismal, dissatisfied, down, gloomy, glum, jaded, sated, tired
And here are some delightful synonyms for FRUSTRATED:
balked*, bollixed up, checkmated, crabbed*, cramped, crimped, defeated, discontented, discouraged, disheartened, embittered, faked out, flummoxed, foiled, fouled up*, irked, put away, resentful, screwed up, skinned, stonewalled*, stymied*, thwarted, ungratified, unsated, unslaked
(the little * = informal or slang)
These words just about sum up my feeling about my job. I cannot believe I’ve been here for almost 7 months, and my usual day is made up of reading blogs, reading my novel, surfing for a new job and watching the time pass. There is NOTHING for me to do, and I really really hate being bored at work. Ok, yes, for the first month or two it was kind of pleasant – relaxing even. BUT 7 MONTHS OF IT?!?! Ye gods.
Please please please – to any god or goddess of the trees – I want a new job!!!!!!!!!
(Of course, looking at the word lists above…. “Sophisticate”? “Satiated”? Odd….)
I tell you, I am getting really down about this. There has to be SOMETHING out there.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Here are the rules: Each player starts with 7 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their seven things and add a copy of these rules. THEN, you need to choose 7 people to tag and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them that they have been tagged and to read your blog!
1) I love wolves. I identify with wolves. I think they are the best example of family, honesty, and wildness that can be found these days. The Grey Wolf in particular earns my favor. They form packs that not only care for each other and raise the pups all together, but they have fun, learn from each other, and generally do not get into anything gang related in their neighborhood. They have integrity. They are beautiful.
2) I have 3 brothers (all older than me) who are very different people – different from each other, but also from me. They are all Christian – I am not. They all have kids – I do not. Each of their wives does not work – both me and my hubby work a lot. I seem to see the value and work that our parents put into raising us and making us each strong, independent people – they usually do not. sigh.
3) I’ve lived in 5 different “states,” all within the past 15 years. I grew up and lived in Michigan for 30 years, moved to Arizona (miss it!!) and stayed there for almost 8 years, moved to Maine for a year, moved to Maryland for 2 years, and now live in DC. (DC isn’t a state, hence the quotes around the word above.) The hardest move was from AZ to Maine….major culture shock there. From 700,000 people to 33,000 people….and COLD!!!
4) I constantly daydream about how I’d deal with winning millions of dollars in the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes. Who would get what from me – my family, those few friends I do have, what I’d buy…where we’d travel for the next 6 months. What kind of investments I’d make. And especially how quickly I’d pay off ALL of my debt!!
5) I’ve always had a battle with my self-esteem. As a young girl I was constantly picked on – either for my red hair, or my last name (Scags, which has a rhyming connotation with my name, was a common nickname the boys would yell at me), or just because I was a bit different in some unknowable way. I don’t know if it was that which caused me to start doubting myself, or what, but the habit is firmly entrenched, even after I succeed at something – getting a blue ribbon at a horse show, taking flying lessons, seeing my by-line in a magazine – there is always doubt.
6) I love to read. But I am not into bibliographies, non-fiction (mostly), or historical stuff (even historical fiction turns me off most of the time). No, my forte is much more narrow. I would say it’s Science Fiction & Fantasy, but even that isn’t right, because I don’t like the “hard” SF of space battles, and I’m not into a majority of the Sword & Sorcery stuff. I prefer certain styles and certain authors. The style I like the most I call “crossover” … it’s where the “real” world of everyday is crossed with magic or fantastical happenings – Tanya Huff’s Blood series offers up a Toronto private investigator and introduces a Vampire, Werewolves, and ghosts. Or Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files (much better in novel form than in the TV series). I’m also into mysteries – but again, I prefer a mystery that has a main character who we can follow through a series of books – Grafton’s alphabet series, Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum series, as examples.
7) I am a very gregarious person. I like to be with people, talk with friendly people, help with their troubles. I am a bit of an empath, and have found myself many times able to help someone through a bad time without the “benefit” of previous experience…somehow I just KNOW what to say or do. But then I also like my alone time – things MUST get quiet sometimes.
So. There we have it – my Seven Things. Makes for a long blog entry, but then it also acts as a bit of an introduction to those few out there who read my blog. Hope I haven’t said anything to alienate anyone!!
Thursday, May 3, 2007
But my wonderful father proved to me that you CAN change your direction at any age. He retired from teaching elementary school (anything from 1st grade to 7th) at the age of 57….but then he got bored, so he went back to school and graduated as an RN at the age of 63. And then he worked in a hospital for a few years. These days (he’s almost 78) he putters around as a Master Gardner, occasionally working for the City, and hangs out with his Welsh Pembroke Corgi named Bear.
As for me - I’m interested in a number of career fields…but other than reading job descriptions, and seeing where the local “shops” are…how does one convince a potential employer that you’re worth the gamble? I mean, I’m not a young, freshly graduated, wet-behind-the-ears person who can accept a low-paying starter wage. I have years of job experience, even if it’s NOT in the specific fields I’m looking at. I’m reliable, a very quick learner, highly personable, and damn – I’m cute too. Ask me, I’ll tell ya!
Anyhoo. Any advice on trying to get into: Aviation (charter clerk? I’ve had some ground school, and flown a Cessna a couple of times…would LOVE to be a pilot, but no $$$ for that...but I have some great organizational skills); Film/Movie Editing; Law (paralegal-ish); or some sort of career where I can apply my strong problem-solving tendencies would be muchly appreciated. Or even ideas of any sort. I’ve got a few active resumes out there in my current field, but DC just ain’t real big on publishing, and what they do have is highly competitive stuff. I mean – to work at National Geographic or the Smithsonian magazine…wow, that'd be a kick! I'll keep looking into alternate fields, though...I think a change would be good for me.
Oh, and to add to the stress these days….my hubby’s boss just gave notice today! Woo hoo!
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Take for instance the line …“And Breathe…Just Breathe”…from Anna Nalick’s song Breathe…Very good advice when one is stressed and overwhelmed. Always try to remember to stop what you’re doing once in a while – reassess – and look at the world with open eyes. It’s a magical world. A beautiful world. Yes it has some really horrible things in it, and bad things do happen. But the WORLD – Momma earth – is always there, sturdy-strong-beautiful, with tall trees, green grass, strong cactus, impressive mountains, and soothing waters. And listen to the words…
“Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud. And I know that you'll use them, however you want to”
…so use them to let your heart and mind soar. Let them talk to the world for you, or use them to say what you just can’t. Remember, words ARE magic – full of power both positive and negative. Watch what you say, because you may wound when you don’t intend harm. Because intention and inference are two very different things.
So stop sometime today, look up into the sky – if it’s cloudy look at the patterns the clouds make, the colors that are subtle and shifting. If it’s dark, try and count the stars, or say hello to the moon. If it’s a blue sky, breathe deep and realize it’s only going to get better – slowly maybe, maybe even too slowly for you to see – but it will get better. Heck, even if it’s good now, it’ll get better! Wow, huh? Though loneliness, heartbreak, stress, and a less-than-bright future may be trying to beat you down – and everyone gets to deal with this stuff – remember these words:
“Singing amen, I, I’m alive” – by Nickleback (If Everyone Cared).
Have a great day and know that somewhere, SOMEone is thinking of you.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
I am amazed at the versatility of blogs. I've seen some who rant, some who immortalize, some who joke, and some who just talk to the world. It makes me think about the advances we all seem to take for granted. Think about it - 10, 15 years ago blogs were a thing of science fiction. Now people can write their heart out, and once in a while find a friend, or comrade in arms, or a co-conspirator! This is an amazing thing.
I think I may be hooked.