friendship??

I've decided that oftentimes I really must miss the boat when it comes to making and keeping friends. I know it's harder as I get older - making friends is a foreign territory in your 40s. I mean, I think I'm a nice person...and the few good friends (stress on the "few"!) I do have seem to really like me and are definitely worthwhile people (and I think they are amazingly wonderful people). The three of them know who they are. Ok, maybe four of them....

But then there are the others. Maybe I have really poor judgment, or I'm just too naive. Take "Barry" for instance. He's a super nice guy - we seemed to hit it off as friends. We talked, laughed, I helped him through some rough times, he helped me. We even went on a vacation (with my hubby and some other friends) together.....oh, and we worked together too. But now that I'm out of site (at a different job - the one I hate) I only hear from him if I make the initial contact. What's the deal?? Am I really not worth maintaining a friendship with??? And he's not the only one. Then there's "Suzy"...she and I were really close - we even told each other we felt like sisters (which neither of us have) . But then all of a sudden - boom. No calls, no emails, no nothing. For months now. wtf??? I double checked - supposedly she was "busy"....but for months now?

Suzy was the final straw, however....I decided not to pursue her, to be the one always making the initial contact. I've been making the first move for more than 20 years now, and I'm really really sick of it. I'm obviously not worth it to these people, so I refuse to do this anymore. I've been burned by people I thought were good friends - people I went WAY out my way to help, to be there for them. Only to have them ridicule me, and call me stupid. Am I really that gullible? Not anymore.

Damnit, I am a good person. Why can't I find people to care for that will care for me too? I confess - I'm not alone....I have a super wonderful husband, who, for some reason is very attracted to me, thinks I'm beautiful, intelligent, talented and magical. I have another friend - my only girlfriend if I don't count my Mom (who is a very good friend) - who seems to really think highly of me, and seems to value my friendship. Aside from these two (three with Mom) who I call my "inner circle," I have a few in the "outer circle" - maybe 3-4 people. People who would miss me a lot if I wasn't around anymore (at least I think they would....).

And I KNOW I'm not perfect, that I'm not a snappy conversationalist, or up-to-date with pop culture, politics, music, or literature. But I'm a caring, dependable, spiritual person. When I'm your friend, you have all of my attention. I've been told I love unconditionally. If that means that I'll love you no matter what you are/do as long as you're/it's not hurtful, then yes....that's me. I'll be there for you in bad times as well as good ones. I'll laugh with you, cry with you, be a shoulder, slap you up-side the head when you need it, let you slap me when I need it, etc.

But if you don't try and reciprocate at all.....I'm tired of carrying the whole load. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. No more fawning puppy here. You make the first move now.