every day life

(me about 4-5 years old)

When you have nothing to say, say nothing.

Charles Caleb Colton (1780 - 1832)

I watch my life pass...

"Every man passes his life in the search after friendship."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friendship is a strange thing. When you’re little, all that seems to matter is whether or not you can find someone to play with, who treats you nicely and is tolerant of your moods. Do they like to draw? To play hide and seek? To run through the woods on imaginary horses? Do they share their toys? Cool – that’s a friend.

As you get older, friendship seems to get a bit more cerebral. Can you share your innermost secrets with this person (giggling about that silly stuff only the two of you understand)? Do they seem to have the same opinion of the boy who sits in the 4th row in music class (is he cute or a nerd)? How about fashion – does it matter to them as much (or as little) as it does to you? Movies? Books? Music? Cool – then that’s a friend.

Once you hit early adulthood – say your 20s, these things still matter, but in a less comparative way…meaning, you’re less co-conspirators and more companion like. This person is someone to hang out with – go to sports games with, go shopping with, hang out on a Friday night and chat with. This too, is a friend.

In “full” adulthood, friendship is a fragile thing. New stressors come along to test the bonds, see how far they stretch….can you fit other people into your matrix, such as a spouse and/or kids? That doesn’t always work, depending on where each of you are. Some people go full into family mode – house/kids/soccer games – while others prefer to remain “just” a couple (or a single person) who like(s) to be active and get out a lot. If you go one direction while your friend is going another, this can strain your relationship – either actively (maybe jealousy over time spent with kids or without) or inactively (a general drifting apart due to time taken up by other matters and a lack of contact). So, the friendship doesn’t necessarily die, it just gets set aside…sometimes forgotten or just dormant waiting for a much later revival.

Then there’s the horrible struggle to MAKE NEW FRIENDS. Once you’re in your 30s-40s, just where in the heck do you meet new people? How do you ‘feel them out’ to find out if they’re friendship material? Especially if you (or they) are married? Commitments also “get in the way” (again: family, spouse, work situations, sports, etc.) – causing the natural bonding that happened when you were younger to not only take longer, but maybe just not even happen. Yes, maybe you are one of the lucky few who run into MANY people in similar situations as you (a bunch of soccer moms, or being part of a choir or team), which presents many opportunities for forming lasting friendships. But basically – usually - Life happens, so friendships don’t. Sad thought, huh?

So think of your friends today – treasure each one, thinking of the good times you’ve had and try to make sure you both have many good times ahead of you together. Because once they wander off into their own life, they are REALLY hard to “replace” or “recover.” And that makes life rather lonely.

"If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself alone. A man should keep his friendships in constant repair."
~ Samuel Johnson

15 years later....

And tomorrow I shall pay for it...

But today - TODAY I had a blast. I went out to Warrenton Virginia and got on a horse. First time in 15 years, and I didn't fall off or get thrown!! I DID realize how out of shape I am - and that my current "shape" is not so hot either. But Buck was a good boy and patient with an out-of-practice rider. I walked and trotted a lot - forgot how hard it is to post! - and even tried a canter...but 15 years of not riding didn't make cantering a really good idea....maybe next time (or the one after that....).



Why'd I go now?

My friend T rides twice a week out at a farm there, and has been trying to get me to go with her for a while now. So...with temps aiming for 80 and an absolute TON of tourists due in DC today (Cherry Blossom Fest., Easter, and good weather) I decided it'd be a good idea to get OUT of DC.

And what a beautiful day!! Even brushing a dirty horse and picking out his hooves was wonderful. I had forgotten the joy the smell of a horse brought me.... The facilities were good - happy, healthy horses, good tack, and good grounds. The only bad thing...poor Ruth (the instructor/owner) had her barn collapse this past February during that horrible snow - luckily no horses were inside, and she was able to salvage almost everything....but now she needs a new barn!!



So...yes, it's a long way to travel, but I think I might start doing this at least once a month...AND work on getting rid of some of this weight!

*warning: pity post*

Having the reason to think about death recently (I really miss you Poppa-dog) I've been wondering about regrets. I truly hope when my time comes that it comes quickly - otherwise I fear I'll be looking at a lifetime of regrets.

Because I know that a lot of what I want to do in my life just won't happen. Whether due to financial reasons, logistic reasons, timing reasons, or just lack of follow-through reasons, I know many of my dreams will not come to pass. They're not huge dreams really, but they're just big enough to be insurmountable - in my past, my current, and probably my future...so that when I look back on my life it'll be clouded by regrets.

Deep, profound sadness envelopes me when I think about my dreams. I just don't see any feasible way of fulfilling many of them. I know part of it is due to my lack of faith in myself - faith that if I really tried hard I could MAKE it work....but that isn't possible, because I have to be responsible, have to stay on the more profitable, logical course, and therefore can't go haring off after a fantasy. Bill collectors don't give a damn about dreams. And even though I have the goal to be debt free by the time I'm 50, I know I'll still have to pay bills....so the dreams will still be pushed aside.

So - what is it called when one looks to the future knowing one will have regrets about the past?

Get them mousies!!!

ARGH!!

We have mice. Coming up through the floor....There's a gap between the hardwood floor and the quarter-round edging....We plan on picking something up tomorrow to fill in the gap, but what else can we try? That will only be (hopefully) sealing one room away from them....There's the rest of the house too - it IS a 1915 row house, so there are definitely other gaps and holes that they're probably using, mainly from the basement I'm guessing. Any advice on how to get rid of the little buggers? Or maybe you know someone who is a cheap but good exterminator?

at a loss for words

Sorry for the long silence....I still got nothin' but thought I'd at least put something up to show that I'm still thinking, trying to come up with something intelligent.

But nothing is coming to mind. . . . well, not nothing. Plenty is coursing through the gray matter, but none of it is shareable. It all sums up to self pity stuff again, and I know I am rather sick of that, so why inflict it on the 2-3 people who actually read this?

Flavoring the day: frustration, desire, loneliness, irritation, disappointment, wanting....and a wicked headache.

I am glad the snow is gone - experiencing 40+ inches in little over a week is just not something I ever want to deal with again. It really brought home the realization that whenever we retire, my hubby and I are going to have a hard time finding a happy medium in regards to environment. Not that he loves the snow - but he sure isn't into the heat and sun the way I am. But I'm not going to worry too much about all that. As of the year 2002, I've realized that you just really never know what's going to happen next, so you best prepare while also making yourself open to whatever.

Anyhoo. This isn't going anywhere, so I'll just say good night. Here's a quote for you to think about:

Anais Nin:
Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living.

deep thoughts

Expectations. We all have them. Things we expect to happen [grow older, have a job, get married, have kids (or not), etc.]; things we expect FROM people [respect, friendliness, dislike, indifference, etc.]; and things we expect OF people [respect, decency, interest, intellect, help, independence and/or dependence, etc.].

As life has recently shown me, one really shouldn’t expect to have a future – don’t expect things to happen … plan for tomorrow, but live for today.

But as for the people around you…an intelligent person I met many years ago pointed something out to me: NO ONE is required to live up to your expectations except for YOU.

But see, that works for the negative too. What I mean is if you try to NOT expect anything from anyone you’re still projecting your expectations on them. That goes for yourself too. Self expectations feed on comparisons. If you expect people to judge you as you see them, then you will be fighting a loosing battle. Everyone has their own definition of the world, their own interpretations, and EXPECTATIONS, of how people should be [kind/mean, happy/sad, helpful, etc.], who should do what [parents should always…?], and how they themselves should fit INTO this worldview.

And their view will NEVER be the same as yours.

So in reality, you will never live up to “their” expectations, which you have defined for them.

Hmm. I think one thing to try is to be as open-minded, -spirited, -armed, and accepting as possible. A very important friend of mine once said that he doesn’t DISbelieve anything, because anything is possible – proof can always be disproven, and vice versa.

This leads to the subject of dreams. I think everyone has a dream or two deep in their heart. Heck, many people don’t keep them buried deep, but let them out to frolic in the sunshine – possibly to grow or fade away. What I think is important is the faith and power one puts into those dreams. If it’s just a “pipe-dream” it will fade away – maybe leaving a warm glow behind full of simple “what-might-have-beens,” or leaving a dark hole waiting to fester with genuine regret. But if it’s a strong wish-dream, one with faith/power behind it, it has the potential to grow stronger, fuller, more possible in the sun – to potentially blossom.

And dreams tie back into expectations. Because the two overlap/meld/feed on each other. If you have a strong dream (not a plan, but a hope-for) then you start to push it into the realm of an expectation. Which can be either great, or dangerous – it depends on how you approach it. This is where the pain can happen – that you see the world through expectaglasses… that you start thinking all you need to do is really dream/see yourself in a situation for it to HAPPEN -- thus expecting circumstances to help things along. Those circumstances do not happen. Nothing will come along and help you get to where you want to be. It’s all up to you.

And that’s where faith and power come in, but it has to be faith in yourself and the self-power to act in/on your own behalf.

Because in the end

you are IT.