Having the reason to think about death recently (I really miss you Poppa-dog) I've been wondering about regrets. I truly hope when my time comes that it comes quickly - otherwise I fear I'll be looking at a lifetime of regrets.
Because I know that a lot of what I want to do in my life just won't happen. Whether due to financial reasons, logistic reasons, timing reasons, or just lack of follow-through reasons, I know many of my dreams will not come to pass. They're not huge dreams really, but they're just big enough to be insurmountable - in my past, my current, and probably my future...so that when I look back on my life it'll be clouded by regrets.
Deep, profound sadness envelopes me when I think about my dreams. I just don't see any feasible way of fulfilling many of them. I know part of it is due to my lack of faith in myself - faith that if I really tried hard I could MAKE it work....but that isn't possible, because I have to be responsible, have to stay on the more profitable, logical course, and therefore can't go haring off after a fantasy. Bill collectors don't give a damn about dreams. And even though I have the goal to be debt free by the time I'm 50, I know I'll still have to pay bills....so the dreams will still be pushed aside.
So - what is it called when one looks to the future knowing one will have regrets about the past?
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We talked about this after our silent meditation tonight. "Having no desires" is one of the 8 awarenesses of Buddhism. It's sort of counter to our culture, but would make life so much easier to deal with.
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