wonderings and ponderings

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs recently. Some of them are really well written, with fantastic stories, messages, and discussions. It makes me think that I really don’t have anything to say – that my life is pretty simple…maybe even boring. I mean, all I do is go to work (where I’m bored senseless and about as useful as a used paperclip), come home and take care of our puppy. Sometimes I get to hang out with my hubby, but recently the poor guy has been overloaded with work.

One of the blogs I really like is A Day in the Life of an Ambulance Driver. He’s an amazing writer, with both skill and heart to his writing. His recent entry about his father’s passing brought tears to my eyes. But I am ashamed to say that the main feeling I came away from his blog with is “why can’t I write like that?” …. Why can’t I have passion about something – work, life, literature?….I feel rather passionless these days.

The power of words – spoken or written – is truly amazing. They can last forever, if you let them; both positive and negative. If someone tells you you’re a talented singer/writer/sports player/whatever when your very young, this should really help build your confidence….give you a firm foundation on which to build your self-image. But then, if enough (or sometimes only one person with a “strong” personality) people tell you that you’re dumb, stupid, mediocre, or “not that good”…this sinks in and can cause your foundation to be riddled with weakness, and make you prone to doubt yourself, no matter what those around you now say.

I’ve had a couple of people really decimate my self-confidence when it comes to my writing. I KNOW I need to let it go, and listen to those around me now who know me and have told me I’m good. But to paraphrase Pretty Woman “It’s easier to believe the bad stuff than to believe the good stuff.”

Another blog I read is Living Single in the Buckle of the Bible Belt. This woman is a spitfire, someone I can see would be a good friend, someone you could hang out with, learn from, laugh with. She has spirit, a great sense of humor, and is also a damn fine writer. Again though….she makes me realize I really haven’t taken the time to analyze my life, to really look at myself and know what makes me tick.

On top of this, my JOB has been making me examine my life and I have begun to realize that I don’t really have any kind of a goal, or ambition, or drive to my life. I’m just kind of drifting. I’ve been really questioning if I want to stay in publishing, or if I should branch out into something new. But starting new at 40+ is a very scary, risky, and expensive move. And trying to define one’s passions really isn’t an easy thing to do. Do I really feel passion about aviation or is it just a passing fancy? (I have taken ground school twice, and have flown a small Cessna a few times – which was fantastic, but expensive.) Should I look into taking my editing into the aviation field, or should I shift into something other than editing….like a charter clerk (I have a really good head for organizing things)? And what about my interest in film editing…I’ve never done it, but I think I’d make a really good continuity editor. But . . . I still don’t know what to do….so I’ll stay with the status quo, and try to give myself some more time to think.

For the time being, I guess I’ll just keep reading – both blogs and books (What Color is Your Parachute, and Life’s a Bitch and Then You Change Careers). One never knows where or when an answer may show up….sometimes if you just keep looking, that alone can provide the direction needed.

This is a long entry, and to the 2-3 people who read it, I apologize that it also doesn’t have much of a point….it is, as the title says, just a bit of wondering and pondering.