So many words bubble inside – hope, despair, anger, frustration, self-pity, determination. Thoughts ricochet around, bouncing off walls of black and white. Images parade by my inner eyes; of me, of where I want to be, of what I want to do, of what I want to BE. My dreams build up, big and filled with hope, just to be ignored by fate or whatever is moving me forward. Sometimes I see myself changing direction – off in a new pursuit of something worth-while or fulfilling. I could be so good at… or I’d love to do… or I think that I could really kick butt at…. Other times I see myself stuck at the crossroads, never taking that next step down one of the many roads in front of me. And still other times, I see me sitting still, stuck by inertia, unable to extricate myself and knowing that no one else can pull me out either.
So many thoughts wish to come to the surface, to be voiced. But I restrain them, smother them, try and see that they really aren’t as true as they think they are.
One of my mottos is “you can’t win if you don’t play”…but I think someone either changed the rules or shut the game down without letting me know. There’s no winning for me.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Bad times happening for good people
It just ain't fair!!! Please send thoughts of healing, safety, and sanity to my friend Anithe and her family.
Thanks!!
Thanks!!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
the complexities of a compliment and learned suspicion
So. I went out for lunch today, to get away from the JOB and the drudgery therein….I was walking down the sidewalk, having just crossed the street and avoiding a stupid car that didn’t really stop for the stop sign, when a pretty, young black woman stopped me.
“Excuse me” she said.
“Yes?” I responded – half expecting to be asked for spare change.
“I just wanted to tell you that I really love your hair cut” she said, then turned away.
“Thank you!” I replied, rather surprised. “Thank you very much, I appreciate that.”
“You’re welcome” she answered as she walked on.
Now…at first I was very pleasantly surprised and pleased. But then the suspicion crept in. Did she really think that, or was she responding more to my (probably) grumpy looking face? I know I know, it really doesn’t matter, does it? She gave me a compliment, made me smile, what’s “wrong” with that? And there really isn’t anything wrong, it’s just sad that I automatically questioned her motives. While my inner girl is always looking for and hoping for compliments, courtesies, acknowledgement, has my public side become so very angry and cynical?!? I had thought that the “beatings” of the world I had received growing up hadn’t left too deep a mark on me – that I was still rather innocent, open, non-judgmental, interested in learning and seeing…but maybe the damage is deeper that I thought.
Or maybe my inner girl is just growing up.
“Excuse me” she said.
“Yes?” I responded – half expecting to be asked for spare change.
“I just wanted to tell you that I really love your hair cut” she said, then turned away.
“Thank you!” I replied, rather surprised. “Thank you very much, I appreciate that.”
“You’re welcome” she answered as she walked on.
Now…at first I was very pleasantly surprised and pleased. But then the suspicion crept in. Did she really think that, or was she responding more to my (probably) grumpy looking face? I know I know, it really doesn’t matter, does it? She gave me a compliment, made me smile, what’s “wrong” with that? And there really isn’t anything wrong, it’s just sad that I automatically questioned her motives. While my inner girl is always looking for and hoping for compliments, courtesies, acknowledgement, has my public side become so very angry and cynical?!? I had thought that the “beatings” of the world I had received growing up hadn’t left too deep a mark on me – that I was still rather innocent, open, non-judgmental, interested in learning and seeing…but maybe the damage is deeper that I thought.
Or maybe my inner girl is just growing up.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Blankety blank blank
It’s hard to write when the words aren’t forming in one’s head. I apologize to the 2-3 people who might be wondering why I’ve not updated recently. Just
kind
of
blank
at the moment. Not that things haven’t been happening…an interview, a yard sale in 98 degree heat, seeing S. from England again, getting a 48-hour-notice that my brother and family are coming to stay with me overnight….but the words aren’t flowing. Even at work I’m not focusing very well at all. ‘Course, that is helped by the fact that what I’m doing right now is the absolute definition of “filling-time” work. I tell you, I really really look forward to getting back in a job where I’m accomplishing things, meeting deadlines, working hard and knowing I’ll do the same tomorrow.
Either that or I’ll just win the lottery. Then I can fill my days in MUCH more productive ways than I am now – take flying lessons, take horseback riding lessons, take a course or two at a local university, bead my head off…..SLEEP.
But for now, I just feel kinda blank. I know when I’m this tired that I tend to be darkened easily….and I’m fighting it. But it’s hard. And now my body is beginning to disappoint me.
What’s that, you say? Well, I’m probably going to have to go on diabetes meds, because I’m beginning to see that while diet and exercise are really helping, my body is just plain insulin resistant. And my cholesterol isn’t going down as fast as it should. And now my stupid body is really producing (what we hope are) calcifications in my breasts, so I have to go BACK in and get yet another mammogram (this will make 4 in 9 months, not to mention the 2 MRIs)….hopefully I can avoid the stupid biopsy.
And I’m so tired.
kind
of
blank
at the moment. Not that things haven’t been happening…an interview, a yard sale in 98 degree heat, seeing S. from England again, getting a 48-hour-notice that my brother and family are coming to stay with me overnight….but the words aren’t flowing. Even at work I’m not focusing very well at all. ‘Course, that is helped by the fact that what I’m doing right now is the absolute definition of “filling-time” work. I tell you, I really really look forward to getting back in a job where I’m accomplishing things, meeting deadlines, working hard and knowing I’ll do the same tomorrow.
Either that or I’ll just win the lottery. Then I can fill my days in MUCH more productive ways than I am now – take flying lessons, take horseback riding lessons, take a course or two at a local university, bead my head off…..SLEEP.
But for now, I just feel kinda blank. I know when I’m this tired that I tend to be darkened easily….and I’m fighting it. But it’s hard. And now my body is beginning to disappoint me.
What’s that, you say? Well, I’m probably going to have to go on diabetes meds, because I’m beginning to see that while diet and exercise are really helping, my body is just plain insulin resistant. And my cholesterol isn’t going down as fast as it should. And now my stupid body is really producing (what we hope are) calcifications in my breasts, so I have to go BACK in and get yet another mammogram (this will make 4 in 9 months, not to mention the 2 MRIs)….hopefully I can avoid the stupid biopsy.
And I’m so tired.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
The days come and go....
As do birthdays. Another one has past, and it went very quietly. Got a pedicure, then went to the book store. Treated myself to lunch at Panera, then went to the bead store. Hubby and I went out to dinner that night. That's all.
Now it's the day after, and the damn roller coaster has taken a dive with me. The "life isn't panning out the way I hoped" feeling is surging along, taking me down the rapids without a raft. We had our incoming lead water pipes replaced with copper today - what a fiasco. Flooded basement anyone? Thankfully we had taken Gomez to daycare, otherwise he'd have been so very stressed. But now we'll be faced with the repair bill - a complete unknown - and with our need to re-do the back yard, as well as our London trip (and even though we're staying with a super wonderful person the trip is NOT going to be cheap) I worry about the money. With these expenses facing us, it just makes me think of all the things we need to do to the house and won't be able to afford.
Hubby and I have talked about NOT buying another house after we move out of this one - it'd be easier to let the landlord take care of the repairs, ya know?
I think I just need to get away for a while - but again, it can't happen because of $$$$....so I guess I'll just keep on keepin' on. I'll figure it out...I always have.
But I think I'll start planning a major bash for myself on my 50th birthday in a few years. I feel birthdays should be celebrated - after all, the only reason you DON'T have a birthday is because you've died...and I'm not dead yet.
Monday, June 30, 2008
disturbing thoughts
I had a disturbing conversation (via email) with one of my brothers recently…more of a statement of beliefs than any kind of a discussion. … and it’s got me thinking about humanity. Brother stated that global warming isn’t real, that humans are not damaging this planet, we’re simply going through a normal change – he even said “Isn’t your religion Nature-based? This is just Momma Nature breathing, and of course she’ll breathe out ‘bad’ air (carbon dioxide) just as she always has.” After I got over my outrage that he tried to throw my religion back at me when he doesn’t even really understand it (because he’s never asked)….I countered, saying “So we should just ignore this and keep killing off species, depleting the Ozone, making babies and crowding the planet??” He replied “There are so many more species we haven’t even discovered; the Ozone has depleted and regained and depleted many times before in history; of course we want to make babies – unless you want a zero pop. growth!; you mean we’ve filled up all the empty space on this planet? When did that happen?”
This last statement reminded me of an acquaintance I knew out in Tucson – he also stated that we’re not overcrowded on this earth, because we haven’t filled in all the open spaces. “Look at Montana, not to mention all of Russia” he’d said.
I asked brother if we’re not overpopulated, how come we have so many people dying from starvation, drought, and disease? His reply “selfishness” didn’t seem to really answer it. How can selfishness be the whole answer, when we’re not able to grow enough food RIGHT NOW? With more people covering more of the planet – creating less land to grow food and find resources - the problem will just keep growing.
Adding to this unease, I’ve just finished reading Sherrie Tepper’s “The Family Tree” which goes into Nature, evolution, and humanity all in conflict. At one point Nature steps forward and starts “pruning” humanity – babies and children of multiple children households (more than 3-4) just disappear, and the trees trim the houses too – leaving only 3 bedrooms (one for girls, one for boys, and one for mom and dad).
I’m saddened by the thought that we (the human race) are going to just keep on keepin’ on – always saying that we’re ok for now, that we can work on the problems tomorrow, or that someone else is taking care of “it.” There’s another book I read a long time ago, which I picked up today but just couldn’t stomach – Robert Silverberg’s “The World Inside.” It’s a futuristic story (year 2381) and there are 75 billion people on the planet – all living in 1000-story Urbmons: multicity buildings which perpetuate unrestricted population growth…in fact, if you do not procreate it’s not only shameful, it can be punished.
All this makes me think. And the thoughts aren’t happy ones because it is painfully obvious that, while the human race does (eventually) learn some things, it’s often either too late, or such damage is done that the solution isn’t as positive as it could/should have been.
There are a few other things in my brother’s statement that bother me….It may be true that the earth didn’t have an ozone layer at times in its past (I can only remember reading about the original formation of it…) but without the ozone, there was NO LIFE ON LAND….“we” had to live in the water or be killed by solar radiation….And yes, there are many species on this planet we haven’t discovered yet, but does that give us the right to kill off those that we HAVE discovered?..... And one big question comes to mind, one I didn’t think to ask brother – how can we keep doing what we’re doing and still have any quality of life? If there are more and more people, there will be less and less resources – no fresh water, only that which we recycle; no fresh air, just more Code Orange days with the govt’ warning us to stay inside and wear a ton of sunscreen when we DO go out; higher and higher food and fuel prices for less and less supply. Yes, our lives today are much ‘better’ than they were 200 or more years ago: we have more vaccines, we have safer vehicles and homes, we have a wider variety of foods available…we basically live rather luxurious lives by comparison. But if we keep fouling our nest, soon we won’t have anything to keep it clean – then disease, famine, and wars will become more commonplace – and there goes our quality of life.
With the seeming increase recently of “natural disasters” I feel that Momma Nature is not happy. She’s trying to either tell us something, or, given our past reluctance to listen, she’s going to take things into her own hands:
2008 Sichuan earthquake – 69,000+ dead
2005 Kashmir earthquake – 70,000+ dead
2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami – 283,000+ dead
2003 European heat wave – 37,000+ dead
2003 Bam earthquake – 30,000+ dead
1999 Vargas mudslide – 20,000+ dead
Bird flu – 256 dead
SARS – 775 dead
AIDS – 25,250,000+ dead
Not to mention all those who have died in the various wars/police actions/conflicts/genocide (way over 11,000,000 just since 1950). Hmmm. . . .maybe we don’t have to worry about overpopulation if this trend continues. . . .But a whole lot of people are going to suffer needlessly.
This last statement reminded me of an acquaintance I knew out in Tucson – he also stated that we’re not overcrowded on this earth, because we haven’t filled in all the open spaces. “Look at Montana, not to mention all of Russia” he’d said.
I asked brother if we’re not overpopulated, how come we have so many people dying from starvation, drought, and disease? His reply “selfishness” didn’t seem to really answer it. How can selfishness be the whole answer, when we’re not able to grow enough food RIGHT NOW? With more people covering more of the planet – creating less land to grow food and find resources - the problem will just keep growing.
Adding to this unease, I’ve just finished reading Sherrie Tepper’s “The Family Tree” which goes into Nature, evolution, and humanity all in conflict. At one point Nature steps forward and starts “pruning” humanity – babies and children of multiple children households (more than 3-4) just disappear, and the trees trim the houses too – leaving only 3 bedrooms (one for girls, one for boys, and one for mom and dad).
I’m saddened by the thought that we (the human race) are going to just keep on keepin’ on – always saying that we’re ok for now, that we can work on the problems tomorrow, or that someone else is taking care of “it.” There’s another book I read a long time ago, which I picked up today but just couldn’t stomach – Robert Silverberg’s “The World Inside.” It’s a futuristic story (year 2381) and there are 75 billion people on the planet – all living in 1000-story Urbmons: multicity buildings which perpetuate unrestricted population growth…in fact, if you do not procreate it’s not only shameful, it can be punished.
All this makes me think. And the thoughts aren’t happy ones because it is painfully obvious that, while the human race does (eventually) learn some things, it’s often either too late, or such damage is done that the solution isn’t as positive as it could/should have been.
There are a few other things in my brother’s statement that bother me….It may be true that the earth didn’t have an ozone layer at times in its past (I can only remember reading about the original formation of it…) but without the ozone, there was NO LIFE ON LAND….“we” had to live in the water or be killed by solar radiation….And yes, there are many species on this planet we haven’t discovered yet, but does that give us the right to kill off those that we HAVE discovered?..... And one big question comes to mind, one I didn’t think to ask brother – how can we keep doing what we’re doing and still have any quality of life? If there are more and more people, there will be less and less resources – no fresh water, only that which we recycle; no fresh air, just more Code Orange days with the govt’ warning us to stay inside and wear a ton of sunscreen when we DO go out; higher and higher food and fuel prices for less and less supply. Yes, our lives today are much ‘better’ than they were 200 or more years ago: we have more vaccines, we have safer vehicles and homes, we have a wider variety of foods available…we basically live rather luxurious lives by comparison. But if we keep fouling our nest, soon we won’t have anything to keep it clean – then disease, famine, and wars will become more commonplace – and there goes our quality of life.
With the seeming increase recently of “natural disasters” I feel that Momma Nature is not happy. She’s trying to either tell us something, or, given our past reluctance to listen, she’s going to take things into her own hands:
2008 Sichuan earthquake – 69,000+ dead
2005 Kashmir earthquake – 70,000+ dead
2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami – 283,000+ dead
2003 European heat wave – 37,000+ dead
2003 Bam earthquake – 30,000+ dead
1999 Vargas mudslide – 20,000+ dead
Bird flu – 256 dead
SARS – 775 dead
AIDS – 25,250,000+ dead
Not to mention all those who have died in the various wars/police actions/conflicts/genocide (way over 11,000,000 just since 1950). Hmmm. . . .maybe we don’t have to worry about overpopulation if this trend continues. . . .But a whole lot of people are going to suffer needlessly.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
The future in dreams
Dreams. I believe it's a good thing to have dreams, to follow your dreams, to dream big. If you believe in your dream, see yourself IN that dream, I believe it will come true. I also believe you should follow-through on those dreams you do pursue...don't get distracted and head off in another direction all the time. Yeah, everyone gets distracted at one time or another...but you'll only reach your dream if you really try - if you throw yourself into the belief that it can come true.
I have a current dream....It has to do with the next job I want. I know the place I want to work, in the general department I want to be. I've applied to this company a few times over the past 3 years. I've actually had one in-person and one phone interview...but it hasn't progressed more than that. But I want to work there. I know it's not going to be all peaches and cream there - after all, it is a large association. But I feel it deep inside that this is the place I should be.
Another job there (in my field) just opened up - I sent my resume a few days ago. Now I'm waiting. The waiting is hard. But this time I think I have a better shot. This time I'm approaching things with a positive, sure attitude.
I WILL get into that company. Just you watch me.
update:
Bummer - the job has disappeared from the listing, meaning it's been filled. The very quickness of its filling suggests that an internal candidate stepped up. sigh. But I'm still gonna haunt their job board....I will get in there.
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